I woke up relaxed with plans to get things done today. I took things slow, sang a few songs and prepared a few materials for later. I then at 3pm took to the outside world to execute my plan to get things done. Little did I know I would be trapped in a room for five hours with no food, freedom, no escape.
I went to tick the first task off my list and visit student support like the receptionist had recommended yesterday and I deeply, deeply regret that move. If I had gone against what they recommended then perhaps they could have made my life worse. However, those five hours were total torture and no matter what could have happened if I did not go, approaching the support was a terrible mistake. All calm and neutrality I had before I entered the room quickly transformed into anger and frustration.
I only thought that I was making an appointment to try the university’s counselling again with a different counsellor and suddenly, at the desk I was ambushed by the counsellor and she spoke to me for an hour. I had to discuss all of the shit I had been through and my mood totally died. Telling another stranger what has happened does not improve anything. What’s more is that I do not have to go back to her again. Instead, she called for an ambulance to come out with a mental health team to talk to me because I told them the truth about feeling suicidal. Being honest got me into a place where I never wanted to be and I paid the price. I was not allowed to leave that room for the next three and a half hours. I was given one cup of water and I had to play shitty phone games and listen to music when all I really wanted to do was run out into the fresh air and punch the living shit out of something. This anger has been built up for so long now and I cannot shake it, it feels here to stay until something triggers it.
After the three hours, I stood up and told the lady that I was going to leave. I said I cannot sit here anymore, I had plans today, there is no estimation of when they will be here, I am starving and I am really angry so call it off and let me go. She told me to hold on one more minute to see if she could do something about it and two minutes later, a paramedic, a police officer and a therapist appeared in the doorway. It felt like such a waste because I told the counsellor that even though I have suicidal thoughts every day, I was in no immediate danger today, I just want to leave here and vent and she still called for a God damn ambulance. My life was not at immediate risk and someone could have used that ambulance that needed it.
They sat me down, asked similar questions to what was said earlier and then gave me some options. I am getting professional at telling my life story to strangers, maybe I should bring a script with me next time to save my breath! So the options were counselling at university which was awful last time… go back to my doctor to get either medication or see another counsellor which again, is not happening. These options I have gone through before and they changed nothing. So instead, she told me to call a wellbeing centre in town, the only catch is they only open on weekdays! A team from an ambulance, designed for quick response are telling me to wait three days to do anything about this! Absolute fucking genius, no wonder suicide is the number one killer of men under 40. With this as my only option, I guess I better suck it up. I left that room after the fifth hour and finished the rest of my plans, I devoured a pizza and fucked off to the gym. Now, I am drinking wine and eating cake ironically. Whatever makes me feel better I guess. If two experts in five hours tell me there’s not much else to do then I am going to need all of the pizza, cake and wine I can find to carry on.
It is the job of these professionals to put my wellbeing first and they severely fucked me over today. If I was not the person I was, I could have flipped and done anything in there, that is not how you treat someone with a mental illness. I really feel even less hope than I did before I entered that room. I feel more broken. I feel more doomed to fail my life. Way to go professionals, I would have been better off living my day alone in blissful ignorance and apathy.
Much love from your friend,