This new beginning feels like more of the same old; history repeats itself.

The room falls mute and despondent when I utter a word. The light refracts around me wherever I go, keeping me in the dark. My polarity repels any human force and attracts only history, despair and defeat. Climbing this insurmountable cliff up to the happy side seems still impossible and I keep losing my footing, slipping down closer to the rocks and waves below, raging to take me away some time soon. I feel dark, stiff and heavy. I still feel so alone. 

I started this blog to vent my thoughts and feelings, to find some comfort and give structure to these ramblings inside my head. I also started it in the hope that it will in the end have a fairytale ending. These days, after seven months of this feeling, through all of the small victories, defeat hangs over my head. The victories are nothing without anyone to share them with. I have been reading Ronda Rousey’s autobiography and beside being the best book I have ever read so far (I’m only 40 something pages in and I don’t read many books), I am trying to find inspiration through her mentality and hope the way that she has. She believes that tragedy precedes success and so after all of the shit I have suffered, my personal tragedies, I think I am due some success now. However nothing good seems to come my way. No real success, nothing.

Indeed I am now on my course in the second year, I am a Peer Assisted Learning leader on my course and I have independence and freedom in where I live; I have no one to share any success with. I have no one there for me that gives their time to help me. Everything I have done to be here and who I am, I have done all by myself. To some that power inside is enough to drive them on to greater things and to be happy. Although all I really value is a little love, a little care, a human connection. And it seems there is still no one here on this big blue marble that I have met willing to make a connection with me. The girl next door seems to be enjoying her life, laughing and experiencing new things. I attempt to make a connection and I fall flat every time. I can make her smile, I can make her think, I can be there for her. I would do anything for her; she does not know that and I really do not think that she sees that in me. I do not know who I am to her, a friend, a course mate, that guy next door, the guy with depression? While they are paranoid assumptions, the question begs to be asked, who am I to her? I want to know; I want to know if I am wasting my time again. The hope is their, the potential is there. Something always gets in the way.

With this new leadership role, I was part of a team of nine of us that went around the groups and talked to them, answered their queries and tried to make a connection with them to ease their nerves on the first week. My partner, a mature student in his 40s succeeded and made everyone feel welcome. I on the other hand, appeared awkward and succeeded in losing again. My words fell on deaf ears and I only had a little input, overshadowed by my partner. While I suppose we together covered everything, I felt like walking into the nearest body of water with rocks in my pockets. I still do. I feel like I am drowning and that thought crosses my mind every single day. It has for seven months, festering at the back of my mind, I feel like I could just pass away. All of my friends and family, they see an adolescent that is academic, antisocial and average. They can use me to make themselves feel better, to hang out with so that they are not bored in their free time and to help them. I suppose they want me to feel like I have company too, feel happy. But they never look beneath he surface. I sat in a room with them for two hours yesterday, I could bring myself to play pool no longer after fifteen minutes of absolute torture, I was totally off my game. I sat down and tried reading, tried playing games on my phone. For as long as I sat there, I barely spoke a word to a soul. Life revolved around me without me, it took them much too long to ask me how I was and when the moment came, it was too late and I brushed them off by saying “yeah I’m fine.”
Clearly I was not, they should have tried to get some truth out of me, but life carried on around me without me. The story of my life.

With all of this insecurity, invisibility and suicidal thoughts, history never fails to haunt me either. Both exes of mine have been here for the first week, the most self-destructive one left just last night and I hope to God that be the end of her. They bot have not changed, they have jumped on to the nearest prey they could find, using them for sex and comfort waiting until they have completely drained them until their next target. The stories I have heard about them this week make me feel physically sick. I dated those people and now that their masks have been lifted, it makes me feel sick about myself. No matter what goes wrong in their lives, they find another human connection to move on with. I have been left alone to feel like this and since, no one looks at me. I look people in the eye, I smile, I act polite to everyone and I do my absolute best; it is never enough. When your best is not good enough, what then? Do I keep punching the steel cage or do I accept my fate to remain in it forever? What kind of life is that?

I am not ugly. I do not go out of my way to hurt or offend people. I am intelligent. I am alone. Like Francis Underwood in House of Cards, I plan and I scheme, I play the game to win and be successful. I do everything I can to earn respect and some kind of power in my life. However, unlike Francis Underwood, I cannot hold onto it. I do not feel respected, I do not feel powerful, I do not feel loved. Powerless and alone are the two single greatest words to describe my existence.

I met a man today and he gave me his name and a hand shake. For the entirety of the encounter, I never once uttered my name, I suppose I was surprised to meet someone new. Although the lack of identity I have to this man shows that I am not even worth a name, I am a nameless face that exists in the same space as him. What purpose does a body serve without an identity, without a purpose. This experience perfectly illustrates the meaninglessness I feel every single day of my life. I have to live with this man until next Summer and he does not care for my name, just like all of the others surrounding my painful existence. If I don’t feel sorry for myself, then nobody will.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

A new beginning, a new opportunity and a new life. I hope to remain this hopeful in the coming months.

I arrived at university yesterday with no real feelings, without any anxiety or overwhelming fear, I just put everything where I wanted it and now I am waiting for everyone else to arrive tomorrow. They will all come at once and I feel happy, that I actually want someone in my life. I want this routine in my life. I want to be happy. 

My surroundings are sparse when it comes to human life; only a handful of students are here early due to individual reasons and changes and it does feel empty. I am here for life more than anything and the past two days have edged me closer to it. When I moved in yesterday, I met up with a friend we bought tonnes of food, walked it home for over twenty minutes before almost collapsing and when I walked into my flat I thought I had all to myself, a man was perched on the edge of one of the couches, looking out into the courtyard with a smart phone to his ear.

Upon noticing him, to me my priority was to drop my bags and collapse, then eat and then confront the mystery man in my kitchen. After a minute or so, he removes the phone from his ear, looks right at me and fires off from the couch to shake my hand. It appeared he had gotten back from a long day of placement whilst I was out shopping and he had been living here for a few weeks now, although he had been moving around places and working a lot so he had nothing in the fridge, neither had he claimed a shelf or cupboard in our kitchen. Fortunately enough, I had free reign over where I wanted dump my crap and afterwards, we sat there, probably for around two or more hours talking about ourselves, where we come from, our experiences at this university and then other random shit. He is from Ireland and it is nice to make a friend, if not a flat mate from a completely new setting part from anything I have ever experienced before. It felt good to meet somebody new and it proves that I can still do it, I can be social and interesting.

For the rest f the night I un-winded, watched House of Cards to a microwavable bowl of meatballs, gravy and turkey breast all sliced up into a great big, delicious, mushy mess. My braces had no problem overcoming it and my stomach felt at home too. After being able to choose my own food and cook it, I do not really have to worry about suffering from lactose / dairy products anymore. I can be energetic and have my appetite back. I slept well and for once, thought of hope before drifting away.

And when I awoke this morning, after a calming half hour lay in, an early start and breakfast prepared for my training day. I spoke to many different people, made them laugh and the day went by a little easier for them, I could help and make people happy. The day was successful and I am in a group I want to be in, doing something that I want to do and I even have a free hoodie to show for it now; nothing brought me down today either. Even the face of my ex did not put me off my lunch; instead I avoided her smiles and gazes, I hope I made it clear enough that I want a life without an atom of her in it. I remained myself and wore a smile to perfection.

And now, at the end of the day, I find myself winding down again. This time I am writing instead. However, in a few moments, I will burst into the kitchen, eat something most others would consider as vile, uninspired and typically a student meal. However, that choice makes me happy and is mine to make so nobody can stop me. I am going to be me. We will see how tomorrow goes and hopefully it will be a third day in a new paradise, worlds away from last year.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

Brutal anxiety and fear paralyse me day to day. I have no one to talk to and I am dying in anticipation of university.

The days are drawing in, the sunlight a fleeting heartbeat in my life spent mostly indoors, sealed in my room or in the kitchen at my work and everything is getting colder. I desperately long for a warmer, brighter future though I fear a darker, more lonely reality. 

I have not been able to vent about my feelings to anyone in my personal life for a month now. My writing has been my only solace in a caged reality where there is no one to see, no life to live. And while there is the glimmering hope of university in four days time, my stomach still twists and pulls in a worrisome dread of what is to come. Being let out of the cage may come with obvious advantages, though outside there is a lot to fear, so much to live through and live with after last year.

Without an outlet for my emotion, without any real happiness or feeling of love, I drift from day-to-day waiting for my new life. I cannot see things getting worse in the next four days, I have established my ways of coping at home. Instead, all of the fear rests solely in myself, in the girl next door and the lonely life ahead. The fear is that the past can easily repeat itself as it has before. This girl could just not see me the same way that I see her. Perhaps she could feel for me too, but she just does not feel as strongly, make me feel like second best like all of the others. I have only ever been the lesser option in a relationship when they choose someone over me. I cannot have that happen again, it is soul crushing. Something inside of her tells me that she is different though. And different is all I need.

The result of the past makes me feel unloveable, cursed. For the same thing to happen four times to me, you can see why I feel unimportant. And my friends are not really my friends, I need to find new people this year. I am hurting because of them. My best friend, he feels different lately, some kind of cynicism has befallen him and he does not really like to talk to me anymore I feel. I suggest things and he refuses with an excuse. It just feels difficult being his friend now and out of sync. And the other person, the only one that I know personally that knows about this blog, she has been so insensitive to me. The things she has said hurt and though hurt may not be her intention, she has said the things she has said, done the things she has done and I hurt. I feel ignored, not properly considered and taken for granted. She has been there for me and I respect that, it is most certainly not easy to stick around when it comes down to me. I have been there for her too. It has been difficult being on both sides but we have been there for each other. Besides being good friends that mostly talk about how they feel, almost everyday for the past four months, there underlies a feeling now that I cannot cast away. She knows what she has done to me. It feels strained to talk to her with the past few months under the spotlight now. With a friend you know a little too well, how do you carry on? I am struggling with living, struggling with everyone in my life and struggling being alone. My head is above the water but my body is fighting underneath to keep me that way.

I feel like the idea of a friend is more appealing than the people who are my friends. I cannot talk to them. Although in an ideal world, I have friends that don’t stab me in the back, forget about me or fail to consider me; friends that have similar interests and a way of life to me. A similar honesty and open heart. A similar philosophy. A friend like that in this world is nigh impossible to come across. I feel like my best friend, he is close to that, but something just feels missing. I cannot hep but feel judged by him no matter what he says. And trust is something I have run out of in people. Thinking about an ideal life though will never be a real life. I can wish and will all I want, a perfect future is impossible. Having my head in the clouds draws away from the life I am living and while a life away from pain fills my hopes and dreams and helps me sleep at night, you have to remember the pain to be who you are and learn lessons. I am trying to find that balance; to not believe in things too much and not remain in an emotional abyss.

And in battling fear and anxiety and a head in the clouds, I always suffer. My dreams make me see what I don’t have and I saw the girl next door in one a few nights ago. She was radiant, talking to me and so incredibly interesting. It felt real, it felt like she was sat next to me talking. But she wasn’t. I woke up with my heart on fire, a warmth I have not felt in far too long and it made me feel even more alone than ever.
The fear and anxiety makes me feel ill and I lose my appetite. For the past three days I have just felt hungry, empty and when I attempt to eat, nothing appeals to me; my favourite lunch of four tuna sandwiches failed to make me excited, I could only get half way. The effect this anxiety is having on my diet drains me of energy. I sleep for hours and hours a day, more than the average person and I am still tired with no energy. Working has been tough making the journey there and back, doing a physical job with a lack of energy and food, it is torture. Feeling ill has ruled my life for a year now and I am sick of it, it holds me back from being myself. I look like shit too some days because of it. My boss and his wife ask me how much sleep I am getting which means they can see a change in me. Why can I not be like most other people in the world? I want to actually feel alive. I want to be able to see myself in a year’s time. I want to be loved. I want friends and a real life. I don’t want to feel sick anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I feel unloveable. I feel invisible. A few more days and maybe, just maybe that could all change. I could be loved. I could be seen. I could be me.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

I know why I am angry, I have people to be angry at. But all I can do is sit on my hands and keep my mouth shut.

My fists are clenching, my teeth are tightly grinding and I am inhaling deep, deep breaths. Another day in paradise and I feel like exploding or running away, something, anything to take me away from this limbo state where I am so unfathomably lost. I do not want to talk to my friends any more, I do no want to even look at my parents any more and terrible things have happened to people that do not deserve it. 

Today, I received some news that shook me to the core about a good person I know; one of the few people I know that I respect and it hurts to hear of their misfortune and pain. All I can do is only sit back and wish them the best. And then in other news, the opening week of university will bring back two exes to my life, one living in the same halls as me for the year and the other, only visiting for five days and leaving again. After a Summer spent mostly solitary, I know that I can never think of those two people the same way again. I owe it to myself to distance myself from them, cut out the tumour they represent in growing pain and suffering in my mind. After all that they put me through, the scars remain and I must move on; I will wear the scars with pride that I survived them. If I see them, hell has no mercy for them because all I have been feeling recently is pure, unfiltered anger. I have an idea why I am furious and frustrated; the people in my life and the injustice to those that deserve better lives.

I tell myself ‘seven more sleeps and I am where I want to be.’ I have to believe it and yet the pure misery I am walking into can only be saved by and rests upon the shoulders of two people, myself and the girl next door. It is an incredible amount of pressure to place and I do not know how she feels about me, I imagine I am a huge freak for being so honest so publicly to strangers online. However, the truth is this girl is amazing to me. Although I may not know her well enough yet, what I know makes me happy and I hope I have made her happy or at least smile too, that’s all I can hope for. Trying to focus on anything else feels doomed to fail, that my course, friends, hobbies, all feel to insignificant and distant to me. I no longer want to be a part of them and that life, I am so tired now, I crave a new life and a new beginning. I don’t want to be the guy stereotyped as a douche, or an antisocial gamer, or sensitive. I want to be Alex, I want to be myself. I want to be seen for who I really am and be the person that can make people happy and be respected. The anger I feel right now comes from not being that person right now. I suppose you would say ‘hang in there! Seven sleeps is just a blink of an eye in a lifetime.’ However, those seven sleeps feel like a lifetime to me.

When I am drifting into a daydream of the life I could have, I often picture one of the scenes out of the dramedy ‘Love’ on Netflix where the main male lead ‘Gus’ goes to hang out with his friends every week, crowded together in an apartment, all playing instruments or harmonizing melodies to a song they all share a passion for. As someone who loves music, whom cannot go a single day without singing, having people to share that with, free of judgement, would be a dream come true. It feels like it should be something everyone should have; a chance to express yourself. And yet, I find my life lacking any real chance to express myself. In conversations, people just do not understand the feelings I have. I am either a joke or written off; they think they get it, they grasp at their conceptions of what I must be feeling and they just don’t see it. I am a weirdo to them.

In actual fact, knowing now what I did not a year ago, this vast wealth of emotions, this mental trauma, is present in every single one of us. We have our own traumas and tragedies, our own strange ideas and emotions and yet we find it easy to ignore others, laugh at them, avoid and label them. I am one of you, I have just chosen to embrace my feelings publicly and be honest. And it angers me that others cannot do the same. To me, honesty goes a long way. I can respect it and I can welcome it, if you need me then do not hesitate to ask me. If you have done something to hurt me, then tell me so that we can resolve it. If you are ignoring me or do not want to talk to me, tell me and I will leave you alone. I make promises that I can keep. I wish that the people in my life could do the same. And that is why I am angry.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

I am angry, seething behind the mask and an inferno is boiling to the surface.

I have no concrete, indefinite cause to feel such rage, although all I can see is crimson red and whatever happened today gave me no happiness, no internal joy; I just feel like shit. 

I suppose I have little causes to blame that all mount up to a problem, though they are problems I have been living with for a little while now, I should be able to suppress them with ease like usual. Unfortunately, this feeling is there, lurking in the shadows. Especially today, accidents like splashing a little water or losing my footing at work have caused me to exhale, sigh in frustration and when I feel that nobody is around, I curse. Normally I just get on with things and I am a kind, chill person to be around. I just don’t feel I am that guy right now.

I know that good things hae happened today: some of my post I have been waiting for arrived today, I woke up from a good dream with a face I have been longing to see again and I had a short shift at work today. On the other hand, I want to recover a little money that I have spent this week and I have no choice in the short shifts I have had in the past few days, it feels like karma for spending a little money on myself. And another day drags on by in anticipation of when I eventually leave for university, the last hope I have with a heart hope and an opportunity to be happy again. This girl has knocked me off my feet and a message from her feels like the glimmering ray of sunshine I so desperately need. I may not have seen her for months now, but little conversation we have warms m heart in these hard times. After everything, I do feel like I deserve something. She surprises me every time I talk to her and there is no better feeling that I have had in some time now. I need this.

Until then, I just need to hang in there like that cat on the infamous inspirational poster where he hangs on by the branch. I need to keep this lid sealed tight and embrace the good things. I feel like I need distance from the immediate people in my life, a break from video games and my friends, I need that new flat with the room to start again. With the longest Summer of my life dwindling down to a few more harrowing days before the big break, the nightmare will soon be over. I can then stop feeling dread of what university will be like this year and how I feel, if the demons will return again. If everything works out, then I should never have to worry about my demons again. I will have a career and someone to love and a life to explore and enjoy. Just seven more days to go.

Hang In There

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

One step at a time, I have paced forward to escape the hole I was in. One slip and I could fall back deeper than ever before.

I am fearful of falling back into the dark hole I was in for six months. There is still the very same shadow hanging over me and I still have a long way to go to lose it, however I feel that I could easily slip back into it and I never want to feel so low ever again. 

The depression was a ball and chain holding me back, a ghost haunting me and an abyss that I could see no way out of. I will always have that history and emotion scarred in my memory, although I have fought with all of my strength to get to the indifference that I feel now. As Wesley Schultz from the Lumineers once sung, the opposite of love is indifference. And with nothing to feel love for, I am in a fragile state where I do not really feel any overwhelming emotion anymore. I have gotten over my impossible obstacles as much as I can on my own and now, I feel like anything could send me reeling back into that abyss.

I still feel depressed, paranoid about some things and I think that will never go away, it is a part of me; a shade of me that I can paint over with the person that I want to be and the colours that I want to show. Every day I have set backs, but I push through them. And to be honest, I don’t really know why I still try. I have no one in my life to try for, no goal of my own to strive for. Indeed I have two more years of my university course to get through but my heart is not in it. My heart feels absent. I am a loving person void of anything to have feelings for, no one, nothing, not even myself. After all, a single person is alone with nobody to remember them. I feel that I have no one to really remember, no one that wants me around and no one to tell my stories after I am gone. I may be young however this is a terrifying world that we live in and I can disappear in an instant at the click of magician’s fingers.

My writing allows me to feel some permanence in this world, some foot hold in a reality I am losing my grip in. I require basic human rights to thrive, not survive. Food, water and shelter are basic human needs, but to be loved is also a human need; I require a voice outside of my head and a hand to guide me, show me the way. And in turn, I will live for you, be your guiding hand and beating heart. Without the hand to hold, the heart to pump my blood, I could collapse again and I may not recover this time. So I remain fearful, afraid of the dark searching for a light to never lose myself again.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

Growing Up With Social Pressure From Every Corner Of My Life And I Am Still Trying To Be A ‘Good’ Person.

It is in three weeks time today that I move back in to my halls of residence at university. I survived the Fresher year from hell and I hope to settle down and be happy this year knowing what I know now. That doesn’t mean people are going to relax though, getting paralytic out on student nights and inviting me to come along too. 

I have always been good at saying no, but not very good at living a life. I am only now applying for a passport and I have never been abroad before. I have only been drunk once and I have never smoked. I still have braces at age nineteen and I have only ever been to London three times in my life, to a club once. I have had two girlfriends and one date. There is so much more out there for me to experience and after discovering the person I really am this year, I feel like I can finally take life to another level. I don’t want to endure live, I want to live it.

So now with all of this experience under my belt, even more people are going to pressure me into nights out, holidays, drinking and staying up into the early hours of the night. I know who I want to be and I have tried so hard to survive the past year and still come out saying that I always did the right thing. Everything that I did was my decision and despite all of the horror with depression and relationships, I still did the right thing, I am still alive and I have another chance to be someone this year.

That feeling of paranoia, sickness and weakness, was down to the anxiety and horror playing on my mind and the newly discovered lactose intolerance. That’s what I tell myself now anyway and so I get through every day passive. The despair of loneliness still haunts my every move. The faces of my past still plague my dreams. Nothing much has changed other than what I tell myself now. Fear and worry is a state of mind. I have gotten this far by just breathing and thinking, thinking through decisions and seeing the consequences, seeing the best action for the most amount of people; spoken like a true Act Utilitarian of the past. And while my actions can often leave me out in the cold for the benefit of others, just knowing that I made someone happy warms me up.

All I live for now is someone to make my life have meaning. I am looking for new friends, a renewed sense of motivation and somebody to love and believe in me, remember the decisions I make and live my life with me and make them happy. Until then I am trapped in this limbo state of wandering and existing, waiting for something to happen again. And I am in control, saying no is easy.

Much love from your friend,

Alex.