Resurfaced

Four months have passed since I last spoke to you. I know now life will never get easier, and nor should it. If everything was easy, then life would be boring and you wouldn’t have any stories to tell at the end of it. In this time apart, I have gotten myself into another ‘unconventional’ relationship, almost lost someone close to me for good and faced my second teaching placement at my university.

In January, a close friend of mine split up with her long-term boyfriend. In the early hours of the night, she asked to see me and I was there for her. I did what I could to make her feel better, I thought that I had helped. It would have been better if she stayed at my place for the night although she insisted on seeing a few other friends for support. So she thanked me and left. I heard nothing from her after she left.

I woke up the next day to several missed calls; the girl, one of my closest friends that I had known for over a year now at university and helped me with my depression, she attempted to overdose on various prescribed drugs in her bathroom as the sun was coming up that morning.
One of her flat mates heard something fall in her bathroom and checked to see if she was okay; he could hear nothing from her so he went into her room and found her. He looked after her and got her to the nearby hospital. She survived and is on a road to recovery now. Like me, it’s an experience she will never forgot. I hope with the highest of hopes that she can find a way to be happy and never go back to that. I have been through depression myself and it is something that never leaves you. I have been in a relationship with a girl who had severe depression and now I have almost lost one of my closest friends to it. Life can be cruel.
At first, I was furious with her. I had no sympathy. I had been suicidal for a long time and I was envious of all of the support that she got from her friends and all of the things that she had. I did my best to help her, she knew all about my mental health too and yet she still went through with the attempt. It made me feel powerless too, like I couldn’t really help anyone. After having been through it myself, one good thing to come out of it I thought was that I could help others. And then that positive feeling left me. Immediately after the attempt, her parents came to take home. She texted for a week or two before completely disappearing. It had been three months since I last had any contact with her up until about a week ago. She seems to have come a long way in three months away from everyone and the internet. She’s not coming back to university and I have no idea whether I will see her again. She was a friend I needed in my life as we supported each other, although after everything that happened, perhaps it’s better that she has moved on now, unfortunately that means I have had no one for months to tell my thoughts and feelings. Coming out of depression, that’s what I really need.

From February to March, I faced one hell of an anxiety-inducing challenge. With no support other than the comfort of knowing there’s about fifty other people like me bout to take a huge step forward: it was time for placement two.
While I passed my first placement last semester, my university placed me in the wrong class and had to move me half way through. On top of the severe depression I had at the time, this created a myriad of problems. Life goes on though and I fought through and passed it. With placement two, I had another fight on my hands. I had a long travel and incredibly early starts every day taking a taxi to the placement. One of the trainees I was placed with accepted and then rejected a date with me back in October and the class I had to teach were extremely challenging. After being drained for eight weeks and having no one to turn to, somehow I was the one again that I had to rely on; as sad as it is, I had myself to support me. I still do. I have tried to find people to open up to, I have made a few more friends but it is not the same as what I had with her. And once again, these new friends cannot be there for me much as they have their own lives.

The day before Valentine’s, a girl messaged me on a dating app. She is the girl of my dreams and over two months now we have gotten as close as you could possibly get through texting. We have both expressed how much we want to see each other and when it comes to making a plan, she suddenly finds a way of pushing back the date. It has been two months and it just hurts. Whether she is being genuine about how busy she is or there’s a hidden excuse, I just do not know what to think; she won’t even take a phone call from me. Before you say anything she is 100% a real person, just a seemingly very busy person.
Unfortunately, I find her difficult to trust too. It has really tested my mind and the progress I have made on my depression by avoiding any paranoid thoughts, especially since her confession a month into talking to her when she kissed her male best friend. Long story short he’s got a girlfriend in another country and she can’t trust him now and she apparently has feelings for me. I was willing to look past it since I haven’t even met her yet. And now, for two weeks, she has disappeared. I have heard nothing from her. Unaware of whether she blocked me or has lost her phone or had it taken by her parents (parents still do that??), I am completely in the dark and it is eating me alive. I do not want to move on and look for a new partner if something has happened to her phone, I need to have a clear conscience. On the other hand, all I ever have done is wait for this girl and I feel like that is all it will ever be; another angel, fallen to deceive me. My relationship history is beyond a joke now.

So with these huge challenges and tiny, niggling, little ones in-between, I struggle on but stay strong. I will find a way, there is always a way.

Much love from your friend, 

Alex. 

Christmas came and passed. New Years came and passed. I am still here. I am still alive. Let’s keep it that way.

This time of year, you feel almost pressured to review the last twelve months of your life and make goals for the new year to change and do better. I have looked backwards and now I know how to be better. However, life has a way of catching up to you and with the highest of hopes, we set resolutions to meet that life somehow, without fail, always manages to sabotage. Well I want to say ‘not this year life!’ We both know the resolution will still ultimately fail, although the point is not to achieve the resolution, but to realise how as humans we can reach a higher potential. 

After last year, the bar is pretty low for me to climb over. I got sucked into a world of depression and left for dead without anyone to help me out but myself. If I am to climb over this bar, then I shall need to start living life for myself; it is not selfish, it is how we see ourselves in the mirror, what the voices whisper to us when in doubt, when we see the human being of our dreams. Living for yourself builds up a fighter on the inside that wants to start taking some personal victories just for themselves. So instead of living for others like I had been leading up to yesterday, perhaps I should live for myself.

I could change my look if I wasn’t happy with it, go to the gym more or go running, buy that something you have always wanted like I bought a guitar last year and never learned how to play it. This year, you could actually learn it. I have plans to join a Judo dojo later this year when my braces are removed. The reality of my parents pushing me away from sports and clubs that costed any money or that I could not walk to plagues my thoughts every time I think of them. Now I am older, I do not have to miss out as I do not depend on anyone anymore, I can join that club if I want to. This new-found freedom and attitude towards myself does help me cope with moving on from the past. Where I have been lacking self-esteem, freedom or a sense of identity and belonging, I realise I can make up for them now in my later life. I can be a happier person, it just takes time and the right, carefully planned journey. I still plan on seeing everyone when I go back to university, pretty much be the same person I always was but this time just fight harder, feel more positive and stronger in the face of conflict and criticism.

With my new years resolution out of the way, I can tell you the Christmas period has been a nightmare for me. I considered killing myself again. I felt like Christmas Day was just a Monday I spent around family, people who are all related and familiar but really you all resent each other and want to scream at each other. My family is like that anyway, everyone has a problem with you. I woke up on Christmas day to my mum screaming at me through my door, then she was nasty like usual, not even on Christmas day can she hold herself back to try to be nice. I had to tell her to ‘shut the fuck up’ and that I was putting my music in my ears, getting in the car and I am not speaking to you all day today. Some holiday spirit right? It was just awful. The worst part, my depression or troubles last year never got mentioned once. It was as if once again I was invisible and just watching life go on, with or without me. My brother bought me socks and a mug. What I love bout Christmas is the thought behind the gift giving, I actually really hate the idea of presents but consumerism and materialism is another story for another day. However, there clearly was no thought put into socks and a mug. I have so many. Why? I have known him my entire life, I almost kill myself and he buys me a mug and a pair of socks? Wow.

I had already celebrated Christmas on the 4th with my friends a university and then again with my boss from work on the 23rd. I had seen everyone I waned to, everyone that actually cared and then it was time for the family. It was a nightmare. But now that it is all over and I leave tomorrow for university again, I have survived. It is a real kick in the teeth to have spent Christmas day with them when the people I am actually thankful to have in my life are not there. It makes me count down the days till the next Christmas like a doomsday calendar. Hopefully by then I will have someone to love. And then Christmas would not be so painful after all. Either way, this is the first January 1st I have ever spent hung over and I am sure it will not be the last. Good luck, fight for some personal victories this year and I will still be around to share my misery.

Much love from your friend, 

Alex. 

Another rise, another fall. Another chance to lose it all.

Another high, another down, another story to come along. 

‘Another rise, another fall’ – Miami Horror.

I had a great night last night. December 4th 2017; great wine and even greater company, despite the depression and longing to have someone a little extra special to hold through it all. That night felt like Christmas.

It felt like family, placing the lads in the inappropriate uncle roles, or as coked up sesh gremlins. The girls cooked for us all for the first time ever and it was absolutely perfect. I would not have changed a thing (except perhaps to have more of it). I got numb on the rosé and sang a few songs, I did the Macarena in public and I genuinely laughed a lot. Eating around a table as a family of friends that barely even know each other was truly the closest thing I have had to a Christmas in too long. Hopefully on the 25th with my actual family, I can do my best to bring us all together again. But until then, Christmas has been and gone. I have thankful for the company and laughs. I had a lingering tear in my eye all night even as I retired to my room and wrote a draft of this. The little things mattered.

For our secret Santa, the first one of my life, my best mate from class accepted me for not having my gift on the day. It is either flying or coming on a boat from Hong Kong and once the jokes were out of the way, he actually said to me that it must actually be a pretty damn good present if it was specially ordered for him; and it is. The man is very passionate, he shared with us all that he has had sex to Shrek 1, 2 & 3! And his present, wherever it is in the world, is a huge green t-shirt with Shrek’s face plastered on it to fuel all of his memes and quotes for the next century. And he accepts that. Furthermore, to tide him over until then, I bought him a pack of fig rolls (fig newtons to those of you across the pond). He loved them all the same.

And then it came to my gift. I was one of the last to receive one, it came in a tall gift bag, usually designed for bottles of alcohol, cellotaped at the top so no peeking! And the weight was heavy like a much-needed bottle of wine I could certainly do with. Two packets I felt in there too which I figured straight away what they could be. I ripped open the damn cellotape, first time I had ever seen it used to seal a gift bag before, and sure enough it was a second bottle of rosé for the night and yep, two boxes of fig rolls. God damn.

I looked up the table, it had to be a close friend to know and before I assumed anyone else, my eyes locked onto the radiant smile coming from the end of the table. A little ray of sunshine fired into my heart and honestly, no hyperbole or exaggeration, I still had the very same tear writing the draft of this last night all those hours later. The girl, I have talked about her before. I thought I had lost her as a friend. I have felt unable to talk to her because I felt that she was unable to talk to me too. Though as neither of us had said anything for some time now, I guess I got paranoid and twisted that to losing a friend. I was so wrong, of course she was still a friend. I was too blind to see it, too prideful and full of this fear I have been feeling. All night she was sweet to everyone and I feel that she is finally getting it right, she is getting there. I want to be like that, to be seen by someone like that. I want to be that friend that brings a tear to someone’s eye just because they are doing well for themselves. She knew that with that gift, something so simple, non-material, temporal and practical like food and wine could mean so much to me because she remembered what made me happy. I truly was happy.

Then, at the end of the night I stumbled back home and turned the lights off, winded down to some music, grapes and my new favourite emotional drama ‘This Is Us’; I felt no cares for the next day. I wanted to carry on living in yesterday. I had to write about the love I had in my heart last night, for friends that meant so much; friends I had never had before. Even though I only have a few friends and some I struggle to share with, I can at least share laughter and a good night with them. I finished writing the draft at 2:50am, almost 24 hours ago now and it feels like a lifetime ago. I needed to write this as a testament to the proof that love is still in my heart, despite whatever I may tell myself.

Today has been a tough. No hangover unlike my unfortunate friends however, depression has really hit home again. I skipped lectures, woke up in the afternoon, failed at archery again and let my anger get the better of me, I almost hit a wall. Fuck knows I wanted to hit something. This anger never left either and even with all of the love and happiness from yesterday, all good things must come to an end. A story about me has crossed to the lips of a friend that wants to talk to me about it and I really, really don’t. I dread facing him. I have a really shitty assignment due in two days. People are beginning to leave university for the holidays and I just do not know what to do with my life any more. I will take yesterday as a victory but today has been a defeat. And again, I fight looking at the old picture on my phone to give me strength.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

Do I deserve a fairytale? Or do I deserve to fail?

Everyday
when I wake up,
there’s nothing to say
other than I’ve fucked up.

My parents
push me away.
It makes no sense
for me to stay.

I was never enough
for my old best friend.
A diamond in the rough
I never meant to offend.

The sad girl who pulled my strings
like a puppet master behind the scenes,
only gave me a love that stings.
Once we were but innocent teens…

The girl with the broken halo
was a devil in disguise.
I am trapped at an all time low,
tell me, where are the highs?

The girl next door
broke my frail heart.
Battered and sore,
I survived another failed start.

I clutch my phone
waiting for a human connection.
But in the friend zone,
I continue to wait in anticipation
for a ring tone
to take away my attention
from the dust and bone
of my dark depression.

Looking at your face, your hair,
I sink into another bottle;
my life going no where,
both hands firmly off the throttle.

Tonight, my time I spend
hung up looking at old pictures of an ex.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

“All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy. “

Paranoid, Black Sabbath. My dad would totally approve this choice; though the lyrics stand out to me more than the genre and time it is from. I need someone to stop me thinking about everything else. I spoke too soon about not feeling depressed any more. I knew that feeling was still there and it always will be. However, I had such a long break from it that I believed things could change. And still, I have even less friends than I had at the start of the year. I get avoided and ignored even more now, I seriously did not think that was possible

The girl I met on the dating app over a month ago now, she continues to pine for me when I have told her twice now that I have no feelings for her. She makes me feel guilty for it by not talking to me about anything else. Out of the blue, she cries out for contact with me to only break it off again; she is not someone I need in my life.

Speaking of which, my second ex, the one that gave me massive trust issues by having a secret boyfriend, I still see her around and she looks so sad. I see the same hopelessness and mess that I see in myself. Her new relationship with an older man is ruining her and her friendships. Despite having a deep hate in place for her after everything she did, I feel a need for a connection with her again. I want to fix her, like I wanted to before, though a broken person cannot fix someone else. I would hate myself forever if I made a connection with her again. I know that it is the idea of her that I want, rather than the girl herself. I owe it to myself to stay away, I just need someone to keep me away.

Loneliness swells in my mind again; I kept it away as long as I could but finally, it has burst through the gates, flooding me again. I continually realise the people who slip away out of sight. The jealousy of the happy people has come back, anger and frustration is back, a need for connection back. One of my friends, the one that confessed their feelings for me and then agreed we should stay friends has of course, been avoiding me now. The ancient friend zone that really ends in no communication whatsoever. We talk a fraction of what we used to and at social events, I might as well be on another planet. Last night, we spent two hours in the same room celebrating a friend’s birthday and she did not look at me once. Without even needing to asked, of course copius amounts of alcohol was involved, any excuse to drink. Today she apologised like usual for not acknowledging my existence (her words), though what use is it apologising for an action you consciously repeat again and again with no real remorse? Ignoring me has become a habit for her, just like it has for me and so many others. I do not utter a word to the girl next door any more, I only feel angry and jealous when I see her talking to other guys. It is unhealthy but I think we have established by now that I am not exactly ‘healthy’.

And now my flat mate from last year, he has found a girl he loves online from the local area. They talk on the phone religiously, go on dates and he cannot leave his phone alone. Of all the people, this guy gets to be happy and I, as egotistical as it sounds, get told I am attractive and intelligent and all that meaningless shit. After a life time of getting shat on, where is my justice? I think because I am conceived to be attractive, people with a similar low opinion of themselves either put you out of their league or loathe you for not feeling the same way back. While I have had to turn down a few girls recently and I have no right to complain about being lonely as of late, all of them say they want to be friends and then recede back to wherever they came from and they do not actually want to get to know me after all. This lonely virgin stays this way because he does not really know what he wants, other than love and someone to be there. So far, people have been there, but only with an ulterior motive and once it becomes known, they leave me again. This night is another one without anyone to talk to again except from myself on this blog. Pity me.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

 

A month later, I find myself in a strange place.

Since I last put my thoughts into perspective, my life has barely changed for the better. I have grown distant to most of the few in my life and I have no love to speak of. I have worked out once in the gym in three weeks and I am back to feeling apathy again; passive, in every aspect of my life. On a positive note, I would not say that I am depressed anymore, just lost now. I think I have come to terms with all the shit in my life now. 

I have spent the past three weeks with no feeling. I find myself able to laugh at jokes, socialize, get up and do things that need doing. However, with some things if it is on a deadline I still leave it till the last-minute. I have put off writing for so long now too as you may have noticed, just because I cannot figure out what to write with all of this indecision and passive feeling. My life is incredibly uneventful lately, with lectures at university in the day and then Netflix or Xbox at night, occasionally a social outing to dinner or shopping. It feels like I kind of have nothing to say (though I know that is not true) and I question whether if even I want to listen any more.

As far as my depression is concerned, I have not felt a low mood in almost a month now. You may hate me for saying this but I miss that feeling, I miss that depressed, brooding feeling in which I had a reason to not go out and drink, furthermore I felt special in a way, like I had a story. Though now without feeling affected by my past so prominently like before, I feel even more invisible, still weak and bored of everything I guess, probably because of the lack of motivation. I still feel no happiness from my life and I do not fear dying similarly to before, it is just that I do not get stuck on low feelings anymore; I find myself able to move on quickly from a dark thought. They are still there every day, they just don’t rule me anymore.

I am trying to be happy, move on from past love and scars. I met another girl on an online dating app since what happened around Halloween. Literally that girl will haunt me till my dying breath, it was just such a weird experience meeting her. I feel like a natural-born ginger haired girl is bad news to me from everything I have learned in the past year. Despite everything we had in common, they have both turned out to break me beyond what I thought was humanly possible. So I am treading extraordinarily carefully now and still nothing else has changed, I remain invisible and unimportant no matter what I do. Talking to the new girl went absolutely no where and literally all she says is hello once a day on Snapchat so she can get a streak. The background to the snaps are black and I do not understand why she even bothers saying morning to me. That will probably be the only ever conversation between us. Hence, I am going to carry on moving along.

Finally for these past three weeks, I made a new friend amongst all the others I lost. About six of my friends have stopped talking to me, all different people, without explanation have metaphorically walked away. It feels good to make another friend but I cannot live my life making and losing friends every month. I seem to lose everyone I touch at some point, both in love and friendship. This cursed feeling still seems so vivid in my mind. I want to stay friends with this new person, though a self-fulfilling prophecy can have a habit of coming true if you believe it. This cursed feeling affected this new friendship in that she expressed her feelings for me, of which I suspected though I do not feel the same. I said I respected the honesty and so I told her I believe we should stay as we are, we do not need to change. And nothing feels changed when we talk online, I just hope nothing at all changes because I do not think I would be able to take it. I need everyone I can get my hands on, even if the grains of sand slip through my fingers, I still desperately try to hold on.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

 

“I’m cleansing my soul of addiction for now ’cause I’m falling apart.”

‘Passionfruit’ by Drake, one of the many too true songs filling my mind when it’s too dangerous to think my own thoughts. Love died in me again; I don’t function anymore. I lied to myself that I could get better and be human, but I just can’t. 

Someone saw my mask, that I was cool and too hot to be single… a few hours later she walked out the door. She caught a glimpse at who I really was and she left. I have been telling myself since before this blog that there is someone out there, that love will make things better, but I am so broken and blinded that I have no idea what is best for me. I am still doomed to a cycle of self-destruction that no matter what I do, I always crash and burn.

Knowing now that love is not what I need nor what anyone needs from me, that I am not capable of love or stability, I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no clue what I should be doing with my life, no next step to improve. I have no passion left in my course, no friends to be there for and no love in my life; I am shattered into a million pieces that will never fit back together.

I want to drink unholy amounts of vodka and wine, I want as much McDonald’s as I can humanly stomach, cake, chocolate, depressing and angry music, a bed to hide in and just cry. I wish that I could just cry… though my tear ducts feel empty since the last time. And instead I am left with no outlet for these vile emotions. They only fester and bottle up inside. My previous post about taking it slow and clinging to that ray of hope feels so distant, I don’t even remember writing it.

I am stuck on songs like ‘Bad Habit’ by The Kooks, ‘Billie Jean’ by Michael Jackson, ‘Happy Song’ by Bring Me The Horizon and ‘You Only Live Once’ by The Strokes. ‘Bad Habit’ describes a girl looking for a stranger to love and she just can’t get any, despite all she does. ‘Billie Jean’ is about a crazy girl (of which I have had my unfair share) that will make up anything to stay in his life and he just wants nothing to do with her, be a man and don’t go around breaking young girl’s hearts. ‘Happy Song’ defines my life in that everything is fucked, I am alone and depressed though if I sing along to a happy song, everything will be just fine. And finally, ‘You Only Live Once’ means something different to me every time something goes wrong in my life. Right now, I am the ‘people’ he is describing, I seem so very nice but inside I feel sad and wrong. I can’t see the sunshine and I feel like someone should just shut me up. I cannot listen to any other songs, nothing else feels real, I just need some truth and something to fill my mind, take me away from everyone else.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

Je suis garbage.