This time of year, you feel almost pressured to review the last twelve months of your life and make goals for the new year to change and do better. I have looked backwards and now I know how to be better. However, life has a way of catching up to you and with the highest of hopes, we set resolutions to meet that life somehow, without fail, always manages to sabotage. Well I want to say ‘not this year life!’ We both know the resolution will still ultimately fail, although the point is not to achieve the resolution, but to realise how as humans we can reach a higher potential.
After last year, the bar is pretty low for me to climb over. I got sucked into a world of depression and left for dead without anyone to help me out but myself. If I am to climb over this bar, then I shall need to start living life for myself; it is not selfish, it is how we see ourselves in the mirror, what the voices whisper to us when in doubt, when we see the human being of our dreams. Living for yourself builds up a fighter on the inside that wants to start taking some personal victories just for themselves. So instead of living for others like I had been leading up to yesterday, perhaps I should live for myself.
I could change my look if I wasn’t happy with it, go to the gym more or go running, buy that something you have always wanted like I bought a guitar last year and never learned how to play it. This year, you could actually learn it. I have plans to join a Judo dojo later this year when my braces are removed. The reality of my parents pushing me away from sports and clubs that costed any money or that I could not walk to plagues my thoughts every time I think of them. Now I am older, I do not have to miss out as I do not depend on anyone anymore, I can join that club if I want to. This new-found freedom and attitude towards myself does help me cope with moving on from the past. Where I have been lacking self-esteem, freedom or a sense of identity and belonging, I realise I can make up for them now in my later life. I can be a happier person, it just takes time and the right, carefully planned journey. I still plan on seeing everyone when I go back to university, pretty much be the same person I always was but this time just fight harder, feel more positive and stronger in the face of conflict and criticism.
With my new years resolution out of the way, I can tell you the Christmas period has been a nightmare for me. I considered killing myself again. I felt like Christmas Day was just a Monday I spent around family, people who are all related and familiar but really you all resent each other and want to scream at each other. My family is like that anyway, everyone has a problem with you. I woke up on Christmas day to my mum screaming at me through my door, then she was nasty like usual, not even on Christmas day can she hold herself back to try to be nice. I had to tell her to ‘shut the fuck up’ and that I was putting my music in my ears, getting in the car and I am not speaking to you all day today. Some holiday spirit right? It was just awful. The worst part, my depression or troubles last year never got mentioned once. It was as if once again I was invisible and just watching life go on, with or without me. My brother bought me socks and a mug. What I love bout Christmas is the thought behind the gift giving, I actually really hate the idea of presents but consumerism and materialism is another story for another day. However, there clearly was no thought put into socks and a mug. I have so many. Why? I have known him my entire life, I almost kill myself and he buys me a mug and a pair of socks? Wow.
I had already celebrated Christmas on the 4th with my friends a university and then again with my boss from work on the 23rd. I had seen everyone I waned to, everyone that actually cared and then it was time for the family. It was a nightmare. But now that it is all over and I leave tomorrow for university again, I have survived. It is a real kick in the teeth to have spent Christmas day with them when the people I am actually thankful to have in my life are not there. It makes me count down the days till the next Christmas like a doomsday calendar. Hopefully by then I will have someone to love. And then Christmas would not be so painful after all. Either way, this is the first January 1st I have ever spent hung over and I am sure it will not be the last. Good luck, fight for some personal victories this year and I will still be around to share my misery.
Much love from your friend,