Paranoid, Black Sabbath. My dad would totally approve this choice; though the lyrics stand out to me more than the genre and time it is from. I need someone to stop me thinking about everything else. I spoke too soon about not feeling depressed any more. I knew that feeling was still there and it always will be. However, I had such a long break from it that I believed things could change. And still, I have even less friends than I had at the start of the year. I get avoided and ignored even more now, I seriously did not think that was possible.
The girl I met on the dating app over a month ago now, she continues to pine for me when I have told her twice now that I have no feelings for her. She makes me feel guilty for it by not talking to me about anything else. Out of the blue, she cries out for contact with me to only break it off again; she is not someone I need in my life.
Speaking of which, my second ex, the one that gave me massive trust issues by having a secret boyfriend, I still see her around and she looks so sad. I see the same hopelessness and mess that I see in myself. Her new relationship with an older man is ruining her and her friendships. Despite having a deep hate in place for her after everything she did, I feel a need for a connection with her again. I want to fix her, like I wanted to before, though a broken person cannot fix someone else. I would hate myself forever if I made a connection with her again. I know that it is the idea of her that I want, rather than the girl herself. I owe it to myself to stay away, I just need someone to keep me away.
Loneliness swells in my mind again; I kept it away as long as I could but finally, it has burst through the gates, flooding me again. I continually realise the people who slip away out of sight. The jealousy of the happy people has come back, anger and frustration is back, a need for connection back. One of my friends, the one that confessed their feelings for me and then agreed we should stay friends has of course, been avoiding me now. The ancient friend zone that really ends in no communication whatsoever. We talk a fraction of what we used to and at social events, I might as well be on another planet. Last night, we spent two hours in the same room celebrating a friend’s birthday and she did not look at me once. Without even needing to asked, of course copius amounts of alcohol was involved, any excuse to drink. Today she apologised like usual for not acknowledging my existence (her words), though what use is it apologising for an action you consciously repeat again and again with no real remorse? Ignoring me has become a habit for her, just like it has for me and so many others. I do not utter a word to the girl next door any more, I only feel angry and jealous when I see her talking to other guys. It is unhealthy but I think we have established by now that I am not exactly ‘healthy’.
And now my flat mate from last year, he has found a girl he loves online from the local area. They talk on the phone religiously, go on dates and he cannot leave his phone alone. Of all the people, this guy gets to be happy and I, as egotistical as it sounds, get told I am attractive and intelligent and all that meaningless shit. After a life time of getting shat on, where is my justice? I think because I am conceived to be attractive, people with a similar low opinion of themselves either put you out of their league or loathe you for not feeling the same way back. While I have had to turn down a few girls recently and I have no right to complain about being lonely as of late, all of them say they want to be friends and then recede back to wherever they came from and they do not actually want to get to know me after all. This lonely virgin stays this way because he does not really know what he wants, other than love and someone to be there. So far, people have been there, but only with an ulterior motive and once it becomes known, they leave me again. This night is another one without anyone to talk to again except from myself on this blog. Pity me.
Much love from your friend,