Since I last put my thoughts into perspective, my life has barely changed for the better. I have grown distant to most of the few in my life and I have no love to speak of. I have worked out once in the gym in three weeks and I am back to feeling apathy again; passive, in every aspect of my life. On a positive note, I would not say that I am depressed anymore, just lost now. I think I have come to terms with all the shit in my life now.
I have spent the past three weeks with no feeling. I find myself able to laugh at jokes, socialize, get up and do things that need doing. However, with some things if it is on a deadline I still leave it till the last-minute. I have put off writing for so long now too as you may have noticed, just because I cannot figure out what to write with all of this indecision and passive feeling. My life is incredibly uneventful lately, with lectures at university in the day and then Netflix or Xbox at night, occasionally a social outing to dinner or shopping. It feels like I kind of have nothing to say (though I know that is not true) and I question whether if even I want to listen any more.
As far as my depression is concerned, I have not felt a low mood in almost a month now. You may hate me for saying this but I miss that feeling, I miss that depressed, brooding feeling in which I had a reason to not go out and drink, furthermore I felt special in a way, like I had a story. Though now without feeling affected by my past so prominently like before, I feel even more invisible, still weak and bored of everything I guess, probably because of the lack of motivation. I still feel no happiness from my life and I do not fear dying similarly to before, it is just that I do not get stuck on low feelings anymore; I find myself able to move on quickly from a dark thought. They are still there every day, they just don’t rule me anymore.
I am trying to be happy, move on from past love and scars. I met another girl on an online dating app since what happened around Halloween. Literally that girl will haunt me till my dying breath, it was just such a weird experience meeting her. I feel like a natural-born ginger haired girl is bad news to me from everything I have learned in the past year. Despite everything we had in common, they have both turned out to break me beyond what I thought was humanly possible. So I am treading extraordinarily carefully now and still nothing else has changed, I remain invisible and unimportant no matter what I do. Talking to the new girl went absolutely no where and literally all she says is hello once a day on Snapchat so she can get a streak. The background to the snaps are black and I do not understand why she even bothers saying morning to me. That will probably be the only ever conversation between us. Hence, I am going to carry on moving along.
Finally for these past three weeks, I made a new friend amongst all the others I lost. About six of my friends have stopped talking to me, all different people, without explanation have metaphorically walked away. It feels good to make another friend but I cannot live my life making and losing friends every month. I seem to lose everyone I touch at some point, both in love and friendship. This cursed feeling still seems so vivid in my mind. I want to stay friends with this new person, though a self-fulfilling prophecy can have a habit of coming true if you believe it. This cursed feeling affected this new friendship in that she expressed her feelings for me, of which I suspected though I do not feel the same. I said I respected the honesty and so I told her I believe we should stay as we are, we do not need to change. And nothing feels changed when we talk online, I just hope nothing at all changes because I do not think I would be able to take it. I need everyone I can get my hands on, even if the grains of sand slip through my fingers, I still desperately try to hold on.
Much love from your friend,