‘Passionfruit’ by Drake, one of the many too true songs filling my mind when it’s too dangerous to think my own thoughts. Love died in me again; I don’t function anymore. I lied to myself that I could get better and be human, but I just can’t.
Someone saw my mask, that I was cool and too hot to be single… a few hours later she walked out the door. She caught a glimpse at who I really was and she left. I have been telling myself since before this blog that there is someone out there, that love will make things better, but I am so broken and blinded that I have no idea what is best for me. I am still doomed to a cycle of self-destruction that no matter what I do, I always crash and burn.
Knowing now that love is not what I need nor what anyone needs from me, that I am not capable of love or stability, I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no clue what I should be doing with my life, no next step to improve. I have no passion left in my course, no friends to be there for and no love in my life; I am shattered into a million pieces that will never fit back together.
I want to drink unholy amounts of vodka and wine, I want as much McDonald’s as I can humanly stomach, cake, chocolate, depressing and angry music, a bed to hide in and just cry. I wish that I could just cry… though my tear ducts feel empty since the last time. And instead I am left with no outlet for these vile emotions. They only fester and bottle up inside. My previous post about taking it slow and clinging to that ray of hope feels so distant, I don’t even remember writing it.
I am stuck on songs like ‘Bad Habit’ by The Kooks, ‘Billie Jean’ by Michael Jackson, ‘Happy Song’ by Bring Me The Horizon and ‘You Only Live Once’ by The Strokes. ‘Bad Habit’ describes a girl looking for a stranger to love and she just can’t get any, despite all she does. ‘Billie Jean’ is about a crazy girl (of which I have had my unfair share) that will make up anything to stay in his life and he just wants nothing to do with her, be a man and don’t go around breaking young girl’s hearts. ‘Happy Song’ defines my life in that everything is fucked, I am alone and depressed though if I sing along to a happy song, everything will be just fine. And finally, ‘You Only Live Once’ means something different to me every time something goes wrong in my life. Right now, I am the ‘people’ he is describing, I seem so very nice but inside I feel sad and wrong. I can’t see the sunshine and I feel like someone should just shut me up. I cannot listen to any other songs, nothing else feels real, I just need some truth and something to fill my mind, take me away from everyone else.
Much love from your friend,