Since my last post, I have found someone new and made a new friend too. I still struggle with everyday life and these new faces in my life, though I continue to try to remain hopeful, positive, care for myself and do what is best for me no matter how shitty things get. I do my best to get things done and be responsible, but the truth is I still feel broken, unstable and irreparably scarred from the past.
This new girl, I met her on Tinder and she is exactly like me; we love video games and movies to escape into, we get our jobs done, we can be a little shy, we fidget, we like random abstract stuff and we are both awkwardly tall but not too tall. We never had an awkward moment when we met and we were together for twelve hours the first time we had ever met. We laughed, we ate, we binged watched Netflix and we held each other, pretty romantic and my heart had not beated like that in a very long time. Though in that silence and dark as we watched the TV, I started to think about the past when I had felt ike this and the consequences and all that insecure horror. I never acted upon that horror, like I never freaked out or got weird, my mind just wandered and since she left, I cannot tell how I feel about her. I have no idea what my feelings are for her and you would probably say ‘well after meeting her once of course you won’t know how you feel about her! See each other again and then make a judgement at least.’
However, in the past, if there was a spark, I knew it black and white and clear as day. Though that night, I could not tell and it scared me. I don’t want to feel nothing for this girl as she is pretty cool and stable (and stable is what I need right now). Do I want someone a little less similar to me and perhaps someone of a different shape and size? Was it her specifically that made my heart beat or was it the fact a girl was in my room and wanted to hold me? I have had time to think and my breathing is back to normal now; she did make me happy and of course I will see her again. I think I could be happy with her, I just feel like maybe I could be happier… unfortunately I don’t have the luxury to live that happier life, I think I should settle for what I have. Then, maybe one day that could lead to that happier life.
Though there are cracks in the porcelain and I am still broken. I may hide it well but the cracks are still visible if you look hard enough. The girl next door, every time I see her around my mind retreats into itself and screams rejection and insecurity. The glow still exists in her eyes and hope is a ray of sunshine over her head. Her voice is still as angelic and soft as ever. However she no longer looks or laughs with me, she said she wanted nothing to change between us and now she avoids me. The age-old curse still haunts me in the form of her; lost love that still stings. I feel like maybe one day she could change her mind and she would look for me… but I know I am torturing myself. It just is not fair; life is not fair.
Faces of those before still haunt me. The day the angel fell and I saved her from ending her life, every memory and raw emotion still bleeds from me like a fresh cut. I still get hung up on her and regret it. I wish none of this had ever happened and yet it has, I should just deal with it. Although when your life is such a frail mess, it is so incredibly difficult to make sense of it and power through it.
A show that I recently began on Netflix, ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’, is surprisingly perfect. The musicals every episode I thought I would hate actually make me feel lighter and enjoy music in a new way. The main character is a total mess and funny and ambiguously attractive (like me, some times you cannot tell if they are kind of attractive or not), their life is one huge mess and surprisingly feels similar despite the worlds away we are to each other in reality. A show made in such an on the nose, American up-beat way would never normally appeal to me, however no matter the shit that Rebecca Bunch goes through, no matter how ridiculous or seemingly life-changing, it kind of always works out in the end and has a silver lining. I think I need to remember that, I think I need to remember to be fearless too and not care what others think, not even those that love me because they will aways judge you the most and you need the power to rise up above them on your own. And I think I can, I have done it a lot recently, I have stood up to people and become the real messy adult I was born to be; I drink, I don’t care about doing presentations or meeting new people, I can get up for a laugh at karaoke, I can hide away and stuff my cake hole with junk food! But most importantly, I can embrace my emotions. I think I just need to find a way of living now rather than surviving. I need a road to recovery. I need a helping hand to guide me through this swamp of feelings.
Much love from your friend,