Obliterated. There is no other word. Glued together with hope, my heart took a long time to piece together to feel strong again and have the courage to enter the ring. Yet again, it got beaten to a pulp and despite my very best efforts, I have failed again. Love evades my heart and leaves it cold. Another girl enters my dreams to haunt me.
I saw her today walking back to her flat and I ran after her to put my heart on the line. I asked her on a date, just the two of us, to go wherever she wanted. She said ‘sure’ and that she would get back to me on it, tell me what she would like to do. When I left her to the rest of her day, then my heart began to beat; my mind flooded with what could now go wrong between that moment and the next time she speaks to me. One hour later, I received a text message saying that she was not looking for anything right now, that I am a nice guy and that she was sorry. Of course, I have to respect her wishes, I told her that I would see her in lectures and we left it at that. But in reality, without knowing, she reached into my chest and pulled out my still beating heart. The last ounce of hope has now left my body. I feel empty. I feel obliterated. I feel invisible.
At the time of writing this, I have consumed an entire bottle of rosé. I got back from my first session at the gym, felt good, felt angry and now, I crave food to feel whole and alcohol to make it all go away. A year ago, I denied any involvement with alcohol, I actively avoided it. And now, a year later, I find myself with an empty bottle of wine on the carpet of my room. I do not think I care any more. I have given up caring about the virtue of not drinking, the honour in sobriety of being an adolescent that does not touch alcohol. Nobody else cares that I didn’t drink, people only care if I drink with them so I am not boring. It sucks; it is wrong. Sobriety should be promoted and encouraged, but speaking from experience, no one my age gives a shit and they think you are boring. So then you start drinking; then people care even less. A life spent invisible means I can indulge in any self-destructive behaviour I want to, no one is going to stop me. The only obstacle between life and oblivion is myself; over thinking and limitation keeps me zoned in apathy where I still feel no enjoyment from life and I stay away from self-destructive behaviour. If recent events have impressed upon me anything though, it is that I can do whatever to be social, to be a nice guy, to be normal… and that it will ultimately fail. Love avoids me, being nice enables people to ignore me and being social feeds other’s selfish appetites. I feel forsaken, doomed to be alone and a failure, I feel totally ruined and to be told to give life and love time to get better, another chance, is the worst joke ever told.
It now seems impossible to visualize a life beyond a bottle and a room all to my self. The water calls to me again, ever louder, ever stronger. I want to end this cycle of misery. I cannot put anyone else through this torture of experiencing my life. Nobody wants to hear such thoughts, they want somebody that will enable them to feel happy about themselves and have a good time, something that ultimately in this state I am not capable of. I cannot see that I will ever make someone truly happy. I am beyond broken and it would be selfish to inflict my pain upon anybody else now. I contemplate either committing suicide or joining the army, any form of death sentence to find a way out of this cycle. I made a girl today uncomfortable in that she had to reject someone she assumed was a friend. What ensues now will only be awkward for her and the friends that she tells about the ordeal. I guess I will not forget this happened, it will only stack up in the evidence pointing the fact I am cursed to be alone. I do not want to wake up tomorrow but I will. I will open my eyes tomorrow morning with the image of a life failed and I will have to face the girl next door again. I will continue to be that nice guy and carry on wearing a mask that no one can see through. I will make everyone else’s life much easier and carry on the way that I do. So help me someone to make it through this because I do not think I can hold my self back any longer. I feel empty. I feel obliterated. I feel invisible.
Much love from your friend,