For months I have remained hopeful, given up those hopes and then fallen back under the spell of the girl next door. Some days she smiles and illuminates my world. Other days are cold and she lives her life without even glancing at me. My heart feels cut up into a million pieces after the past and hope is barely cementing it back together. I feel myself slipping away every day.
Over the Summer we only messaged each other around every three weeks. It felt and still feels teasing talking to her, the way that she is so very positive and human, it captures me every time. Under her spell I feel warm inside and I feel a taste of what it is like to be happy. However, I know that it is not real and it feels more like a dream when I am around her; I think she is clueless to how I feel.
I send kisses now and then and it looks like I am just being polite instead. I ask her if she wants to hang out or come out with me and someone else is always there. It one hundred percent feels like the time to say something to her about this feeling because I cannot stand this uncertainty anymore. Although if it happens that she just does not see anything in me, like maybe she only sees me as a friend and that is it, then I really do not think I could take it. Nothing else in the past three weeks has given me any pleasure, any happiness. Alone, I am barely surviving. With someone to light me up and make happy, I could heal. Rejected, I doubt that I could repair any of what would be left.
I sometimes look at other girls, talk to them and try to just get out there and I am not seen. Obviously to this girl I barely mean a thing so I cannot save my soul for her when there may be nothing to save it for. So to everyone else out there, I am helplessly invisible despite the goodness I show them, despite the way that I move around them. Nothing I say or do sparks an interest to a single soul. When the girl next door messages me, looks at me, speaks to me, I really do feel human again. Nobody else has come close to making me feel human like her. I am a total sucker for love and I know I am naive with my heart on my sleeve, but as a pretty emotional guy I know what I feel and I know what I need. I am hoping that she feels a hope too that I can make come true for her.
I do not want to write about what could go wrong, I have to keep that possibility locked in a steel vault. I only want this to be right and natural. I am seeing her again in two days, though one of her friends will be there again. I guess I should carry on being me, just show up dressed nice, look into her eyes, smile and listen. I want her to see me, for real this time.
Much love from your friend,