I arrived at university yesterday with no real feelings, without any anxiety or overwhelming fear, I just put everything where I wanted it and now I am waiting for everyone else to arrive tomorrow. They will all come at once and I feel happy, that I actually want someone in my life. I want this routine in my life. I want to be happy.
My surroundings are sparse when it comes to human life; only a handful of students are here early due to individual reasons and changes and it does feel empty. I am here for life more than anything and the past two days have edged me closer to it. When I moved in yesterday, I met up with a friend we bought tonnes of food, walked it home for over twenty minutes before almost collapsing and when I walked into my flat I thought I had all to myself, a man was perched on the edge of one of the couches, looking out into the courtyard with a smart phone to his ear.
Upon noticing him, to me my priority was to drop my bags and collapse, then eat and then confront the mystery man in my kitchen. After a minute or so, he removes the phone from his ear, looks right at me and fires off from the couch to shake my hand. It appeared he had gotten back from a long day of placement whilst I was out shopping and he had been living here for a few weeks now, although he had been moving around places and working a lot so he had nothing in the fridge, neither had he claimed a shelf or cupboard in our kitchen. Fortunately enough, I had free reign over where I wanted dump my crap and afterwards, we sat there, probably for around two or more hours talking about ourselves, where we come from, our experiences at this university and then other random shit. He is from Ireland and it is nice to make a friend, if not a flat mate from a completely new setting part from anything I have ever experienced before. It felt good to meet somebody new and it proves that I can still do it, I can be social and interesting.
For the rest f the night I un-winded, watched House of Cards to a microwavable bowl of meatballs, gravy and turkey breast all sliced up into a great big, delicious, mushy mess. My braces had no problem overcoming it and my stomach felt at home too. After being able to choose my own food and cook it, I do not really have to worry about suffering from lactose / dairy products anymore. I can be energetic and have my appetite back. I slept well and for once, thought of hope before drifting away.
And when I awoke this morning, after a calming half hour lay in, an early start and breakfast prepared for my training day. I spoke to many different people, made them laugh and the day went by a little easier for them, I could help and make people happy. The day was successful and I am in a group I want to be in, doing something that I want to do and I even have a free hoodie to show for it now; nothing brought me down today either. Even the face of my ex did not put me off my lunch; instead I avoided her smiles and gazes, I hope I made it clear enough that I want a life without an atom of her in it. I remained myself and wore a smile to perfection.
And now, at the end of the day, I find myself winding down again. This time I am writing instead. However, in a few moments, I will burst into the kitchen, eat something most others would consider as vile, uninspired and typically a student meal. However, that choice makes me happy and is mine to make so nobody can stop me. I am going to be me. We will see how tomorrow goes and hopefully it will be a third day in a new paradise, worlds away from last year.
Much love from your friend,