The days are drawing in, the sunlight a fleeting heartbeat in my life spent mostly indoors, sealed in my room or in the kitchen at my work and everything is getting colder. I desperately long for a warmer, brighter future though I fear a darker, more lonely reality.
I have not been able to vent about my feelings to anyone in my personal life for a month now. My writing has been my only solace in a caged reality where there is no one to see, no life to live. And while there is the glimmering hope of university in four days time, my stomach still twists and pulls in a worrisome dread of what is to come. Being let out of the cage may come with obvious advantages, though outside there is a lot to fear, so much to live through and live with after last year.
Without an outlet for my emotion, without any real happiness or feeling of love, I drift from day-to-day waiting for my new life. I cannot see things getting worse in the next four days, I have established my ways of coping at home. Instead, all of the fear rests solely in myself, in the girl next door and the lonely life ahead. The fear is that the past can easily repeat itself as it has before. This girl could just not see me the same way that I see her. Perhaps she could feel for me too, but she just does not feel as strongly, make me feel like second best like all of the others. I have only ever been the lesser option in a relationship when they choose someone over me. I cannot have that happen again, it is soul crushing. Something inside of her tells me that she is different though. And different is all I need.
The result of the past makes me feel unloveable, cursed. For the same thing to happen four times to me, you can see why I feel unimportant. And my friends are not really my friends, I need to find new people this year. I am hurting because of them. My best friend, he feels different lately, some kind of cynicism has befallen him and he does not really like to talk to me anymore I feel. I suggest things and he refuses with an excuse. It just feels difficult being his friend now and out of sync. And the other person, the only one that I know personally that knows about this blog, she has been so insensitive to me. The things she has said hurt and though hurt may not be her intention, she has said the things she has said, done the things she has done and I hurt. I feel ignored, not properly considered and taken for granted. She has been there for me and I respect that, it is most certainly not easy to stick around when it comes down to me. I have been there for her too. It has been difficult being on both sides but we have been there for each other. Besides being good friends that mostly talk about how they feel, almost everyday for the past four months, there underlies a feeling now that I cannot cast away. She knows what she has done to me. It feels strained to talk to her with the past few months under the spotlight now. With a friend you know a little too well, how do you carry on? I am struggling with living, struggling with everyone in my life and struggling being alone. My head is above the water but my body is fighting underneath to keep me that way.
I feel like the idea of a friend is more appealing than the people who are my friends. I cannot talk to them. Although in an ideal world, I have friends that don’t stab me in the back, forget about me or fail to consider me; friends that have similar interests and a way of life to me. A similar honesty and open heart. A similar philosophy. A friend like that in this world is nigh impossible to come across. I feel like my best friend, he is close to that, but something just feels missing. I cannot hep but feel judged by him no matter what he says. And trust is something I have run out of in people. Thinking about an ideal life though will never be a real life. I can wish and will all I want, a perfect future is impossible. Having my head in the clouds draws away from the life I am living and while a life away from pain fills my hopes and dreams and helps me sleep at night, you have to remember the pain to be who you are and learn lessons. I am trying to find that balance; to not believe in things too much and not remain in an emotional abyss.
And in battling fear and anxiety and a head in the clouds, I always suffer. My dreams make me see what I don’t have and I saw the girl next door in one a few nights ago. She was radiant, talking to me and so incredibly interesting. It felt real, it felt like she was sat next to me talking. But she wasn’t. I woke up with my heart on fire, a warmth I have not felt in far too long and it made me feel even more alone than ever.
The fear and anxiety makes me feel ill and I lose my appetite. For the past three days I have just felt hungry, empty and when I attempt to eat, nothing appeals to me; my favourite lunch of four tuna sandwiches failed to make me excited, I could only get half way. The effect this anxiety is having on my diet drains me of energy. I sleep for hours and hours a day, more than the average person and I am still tired with no energy. Working has been tough making the journey there and back, doing a physical job with a lack of energy and food, it is torture. Feeling ill has ruled my life for a year now and I am sick of it, it holds me back from being myself. I look like shit too some days because of it. My boss and his wife ask me how much sleep I am getting which means they can see a change in me. Why can I not be like most other people in the world? I want to actually feel alive. I want to be able to see myself in a year’s time. I want to be loved. I want friends and a real life. I don’t want to feel sick anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I feel unloveable. I feel invisible. A few more days and maybe, just maybe that could all change. I could be loved. I could be seen. I could be me.
Much love from your friend,