My fists are clenching, my teeth are tightly grinding and I am inhaling deep, deep breaths. Another day in paradise and I feel like exploding or running away, something, anything to take me away from this limbo state where I am so unfathomably lost. I do not want to talk to my friends any more, I do no want to even look at my parents any more and terrible things have happened to people that do not deserve it.
Today, I received some news that shook me to the core about a good person I know; one of the few people I know that I respect and it hurts to hear of their misfortune and pain. All I can do is only sit back and wish them the best. And then in other news, the opening week of university will bring back two exes to my life, one living in the same halls as me for the year and the other, only visiting for five days and leaving again. After a Summer spent mostly solitary, I know that I can never think of those two people the same way again. I owe it to myself to distance myself from them, cut out the tumour they represent in growing pain and suffering in my mind. After all that they put me through, the scars remain and I must move on; I will wear the scars with pride that I survived them. If I see them, hell has no mercy for them because all I have been feeling recently is pure, unfiltered anger. I have an idea why I am furious and frustrated; the people in my life and the injustice to those that deserve better lives.
I tell myself ‘seven more sleeps and I am where I want to be.’ I have to believe it and yet the pure misery I am walking into can only be saved by and rests upon the shoulders of two people, myself and the girl next door. It is an incredible amount of pressure to place and I do not know how she feels about me, I imagine I am a huge freak for being so honest so publicly to strangers online. However, the truth is this girl is amazing to me. Although I may not know her well enough yet, what I know makes me happy and I hope I have made her happy or at least smile too, that’s all I can hope for. Trying to focus on anything else feels doomed to fail, that my course, friends, hobbies, all feel to insignificant and distant to me. I no longer want to be a part of them and that life, I am so tired now, I crave a new life and a new beginning. I don’t want to be the guy stereotyped as a douche, or an antisocial gamer, or sensitive. I want to be Alex, I want to be myself. I want to be seen for who I really am and be the person that can make people happy and be respected. The anger I feel right now comes from not being that person right now. I suppose you would say ‘hang in there! Seven sleeps is just a blink of an eye in a lifetime.’ However, those seven sleeps feel like a lifetime to me.
When I am drifting into a daydream of the life I could have, I often picture one of the scenes out of the dramedy ‘Love’ on Netflix where the main male lead ‘Gus’ goes to hang out with his friends every week, crowded together in an apartment, all playing instruments or harmonizing melodies to a song they all share a passion for. As someone who loves music, whom cannot go a single day without singing, having people to share that with, free of judgement, would be a dream come true. It feels like it should be something everyone should have; a chance to express yourself. And yet, I find my life lacking any real chance to express myself. In conversations, people just do not understand the feelings I have. I am either a joke or written off; they think they get it, they grasp at their conceptions of what I must be feeling and they just don’t see it. I am a weirdo to them.
In actual fact, knowing now what I did not a year ago, this vast wealth of emotions, this mental trauma, is present in every single one of us. We have our own traumas and tragedies, our own strange ideas and emotions and yet we find it easy to ignore others, laugh at them, avoid and label them. I am one of you, I have just chosen to embrace my feelings publicly and be honest. And it angers me that others cannot do the same. To me, honesty goes a long way. I can respect it and I can welcome it, if you need me then do not hesitate to ask me. If you have done something to hurt me, then tell me so that we can resolve it. If you are ignoring me or do not want to talk to me, tell me and I will leave you alone. I make promises that I can keep. I wish that the people in my life could do the same. And that is why I am angry.
Much love from your friend,