I have no concrete, indefinite cause to feel such rage, although all I can see is crimson red and whatever happened today gave me no happiness, no internal joy; I just feel like shit.
I suppose I have little causes to blame that all mount up to a problem, though they are problems I have been living with for a little while now, I should be able to suppress them with ease like usual. Unfortunately, this feeling is there, lurking in the shadows. Especially today, accidents like splashing a little water or losing my footing at work have caused me to exhale, sigh in frustration and when I feel that nobody is around, I curse. Normally I just get on with things and I am a kind, chill person to be around. I just don’t feel I am that guy right now.
I know that good things hae happened today: some of my post I have been waiting for arrived today, I woke up from a good dream with a face I have been longing to see again and I had a short shift at work today. On the other hand, I want to recover a little money that I have spent this week and I have no choice in the short shifts I have had in the past few days, it feels like karma for spending a little money on myself. And another day drags on by in anticipation of when I eventually leave for university, the last hope I have with a heart hope and an opportunity to be happy again. This girl has knocked me off my feet and a message from her feels like the glimmering ray of sunshine I so desperately need. I may not have seen her for months now, but little conversation we have warms m heart in these hard times. After everything, I do feel like I deserve something. She surprises me every time I talk to her and there is no better feeling that I have had in some time now. I need this.
Until then, I just need to hang in there like that cat on the infamous inspirational poster where he hangs on by the branch. I need to keep this lid sealed tight and embrace the good things. I feel like I need distance from the immediate people in my life, a break from video games and my friends, I need that new flat with the room to start again. With the longest Summer of my life dwindling down to a few more harrowing days before the big break, the nightmare will soon be over. I can then stop feeling dread of what university will be like this year and how I feel, if the demons will return again. If everything works out, then I should never have to worry about my demons again. I will have a career and someone to love and a life to explore and enjoy. Just seven more days to go.
Much love from your friend,