I am fearful of falling back into the dark hole I was in for six months. There is still the very same shadow hanging over me and I still have a long way to go to lose it, however I feel that I could easily slip back into it and I never want to feel so low ever again.
The depression was a ball and chain holding me back, a ghost haunting me and an abyss that I could see no way out of. I will always have that history and emotion scarred in my memory, although I have fought with all of my strength to get to the indifference that I feel now. As Wesley Schultz from the Lumineers once sung, the opposite of love is indifference. And with nothing to feel love for, I am in a fragile state where I do not really feel any overwhelming emotion anymore. I have gotten over my impossible obstacles as much as I can on my own and now, I feel like anything could send me reeling back into that abyss.
I still feel depressed, paranoid about some things and I think that will never go away, it is a part of me; a shade of me that I can paint over with the person that I want to be and the colours that I want to show. Every day I have set backs, but I push through them. And to be honest, I don’t really know why I still try. I have no one in my life to try for, no goal of my own to strive for. Indeed I have two more years of my university course to get through but my heart is not in it. My heart feels absent. I am a loving person void of anything to have feelings for, no one, nothing, not even myself. After all, a single person is alone with nobody to remember them. I feel that I have no one to really remember, no one that wants me around and no one to tell my stories after I am gone. I may be young however this is a terrifying world that we live in and I can disappear in an instant at the click of magician’s fingers.
My writing allows me to feel some permanence in this world, some foot hold in a reality I am losing my grip in. I require basic human rights to thrive, not survive. Food, water and shelter are basic human needs, but to be loved is also a human need; I require a voice outside of my head and a hand to guide me, show me the way. And in turn, I will live for you, be your guiding hand and beating heart. Without the hand to hold, the heart to pump my blood, I could collapse again and I may not recover this time. So I remain fearful, afraid of the dark searching for a light to never lose myself again.
Much love from your friend,