It is in three weeks time today that I move back in to my halls of residence at university. I survived the Fresher year from hell and I hope to settle down and be happy this year knowing what I know now. That doesn’t mean people are going to relax though, getting paralytic out on student nights and inviting me to come along too.
I have always been good at saying no, but not very good at living a life. I am only now applying for a passport and I have never been abroad before. I have only been drunk once and I have never smoked. I still have braces at age nineteen and I have only ever been to London three times in my life, to a club once. I have had two girlfriends and one date. There is so much more out there for me to experience and after discovering the person I really am this year, I feel like I can finally take life to another level. I don’t want to endure live, I want to live it.
So now with all of this experience under my belt, even more people are going to pressure me into nights out, holidays, drinking and staying up into the early hours of the night. I know who I want to be and I have tried so hard to survive the past year and still come out saying that I always did the right thing. Everything that I did was my decision and despite all of the horror with depression and relationships, I still did the right thing, I am still alive and I have another chance to be someone this year.
That feeling of paranoia, sickness and weakness, was down to the anxiety and horror playing on my mind and the newly discovered lactose intolerance. That’s what I tell myself now anyway and so I get through every day passive. The despair of loneliness still haunts my every move. The faces of my past still plague my dreams. Nothing much has changed other than what I tell myself now. Fear and worry is a state of mind. I have gotten this far by just breathing and thinking, thinking through decisions and seeing the consequences, seeing the best action for the most amount of people; spoken like a true Act Utilitarian of the past. And while my actions can often leave me out in the cold for the benefit of others, just knowing that I made someone happy warms me up.
All I live for now is someone to make my life have meaning. I am looking for new friends, a renewed sense of motivation and somebody to love and believe in me, remember the decisions I make and live my life with me and make them happy. Until then I am trapped in this limbo state of wandering and existing, waiting for something to happen again. And I am in control, saying no is easy.
Much love from your friend,