Tonight is the night in which for the first time I have ever been bothered about sport; it is the ‘Money’ fight between Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather and ‘the Notorious’ Conor McGregor. I am one hundred percent behind Conor and I have been psyching myself up for the fight watching videos about both fighters and taking an interest in something new. For weeks, my best friend has been asking us if we are still coming to his house to watch the fight and have a drink. Although now, on the night, he bailed and I have been let down once again.
This familiar story of believing in people and having trust, faith in them, being turned into anger and disappointment and a whole host of other feelings is only making me worse. I have been doing well attempting to suppress all of my feelings, be social and make effort to improve my life… and all I feel is that I am trying a million and one ways to break out of a titanium cage with my bare knuckles. It hurts and I am trying to fight through the pain with hope of something better, a life with something to look forward to, someone to fight for and people in my corner. After the latest development, I feel like once again my knuckles have cracked against the titanium cage, another effort lost in history and I suffer.
Aside excuses and rudeness, I feel like I just cannot face the last group of friends that I have. How they have acted tonight is appalling and as y best friend, I thought that he would be the one person I could count on. I have speaking with my therapist about trying to make more out of the one friendship that I thought I could count on and I just do not know anymore. Three times this week he has brushed me off and not apologised, not been sincere, it would seem that ignorance is bliss and he gets to carry on doing whatever he wants to do. What I want to do is be a fully functioning human being and be social, however it seems that neither option can become reality. I haven’t been out once this week to see anyone, no one has really made much of an effort to talk to me and I am left with that invisible feeling again.
That friendship group has felt strained for a long time now, with narcissistic personalities crushing social activity between the six of us and I really am exhausted now. I do not want to be a part of it any more. I tried to branch out to new friends last year at university and it ended in depression and anxiety. And now, with 26 days to go before it all comes back around again, I want to reset everything. But that is just hope speaking, the voice that keeps me alive; the voice that I do not believe anymore.
One friend that I did make at university that I lived with for half a dozen weeks, ha also long since moved on from talking to me. After she left, we still spoke often because she knew that sh could trust me and I had been here for her, I encouraged to stay with her boyfriend that she is still with to this day and she is now happy. It has been nine months since I last saw her, three months since we last messaged each other and when she messaged me yesterday it was nice… but clear that it was a fleeting moment. She was at a music festival, saw ‘Oh Wonder’ perform and recorded fifteen of their performance for me. It was really nice that she remembered this conversation that we had over nine months ago. However, straight afer she said she was ‘good thanks, you?’ and I said how I was and that was he end of the conversation. So she remembered me, even decided to brighten up my day only to have nothing to say to me. It felt like a bitter-sweet moment that I could not help but over think like usual.
We are old friends now and we will never see each other again most likely, I know that I need to learn to let go, but when I have nothing new to hold on to, I am left with nothing. Laying here, typing away in the dark, my phone has not buzzed once and it probably will not for a while now. I will not see any friends for a long time now as we have no plans and they are not spontaneous or busy either, they are just lazy and self-centred, I just want to break out of this never-ending cycle of being let down and suffering.
However, if I broke away from them, they wouldn’t talk to me again, I know them. My best mate said that he was worried I would spend too much time with other people while I was at university and that he wanted me to be online with him and the rest talking and playing games with them. Fuck that, I am going to do what is best for me and what I need, I need social action otherwise I will completely lose it. I am not being that stereotype everyone attaches to me, the antisocial nerd in front of the TV. My parents tell me that, my siblings tell me that, my friends say that to me and people that barely know me assume that about me.
So if I did leave that friendship group, I would have no safety net anymore. As brutally honest as it is to say all of this, it is true. After feeling cursed to the same group of friends for my whole life, who else is there to accept me? I would be worse without those guys even though they make me feel like shit. One thing is certain though, I will miss the fight tonight and whatever the outcome, I don’t think that I will really care what happens now. It has been ruined for me and I just want to tell this all to someone but I have no one to talk to. No one to turn to but a blank page to fill with insecure thoughts.
Much love from your friend,