I have very mixed feelings… like always I guess. There are ups and there are downs to this. I am trying to outweigh the negatives with the positives and for once, I think this could be positive. Obviously, the instant benefit everyone has said to me is that it looks good on a CV. However, that has absolutely nothing to do with it, I really could not care about that at all.
Instead, my surprising motivation for this was that this was a final, desperate attempt to meet new people. I will spending an hour a week with a group from the fresher year, answering their questions and telling them about the course. I would help them settle into the course, give an opinion that is not coming from someone employed at the university and be there for the group. This year, as a fresher, I had two leaders for my group and they were super helpful, one of them also tried to help me with my depression too. I really want to be someone that is not there only for the academic side, but also to be there for the new blood, be a support for them too like I had.
Furthermore, whoever I get put with to help out an hour a week, I will get to know them too; therein lies a positive and a negative, and great uncertainty. After the email today, I was able to see who it was addressed to. There are a dozen or so of us and I could be with any of them, most likely four of us to a group as there will probably be three again like last year. As you can tell, I have over-thought all of this and among all of the names, a flat mate from last year and her best friend, my first ex, are leaders too. I genuinely have no clue why she would ever go for this, she was going to quit the course, hated her placement and hated living on campus too. Another question that I cannot answer.
That was one of the names I was searching for in the mailing list and when I saw it, I pretty much laughed out loud, shouted ‘aawh nooooo!!!’ and then texted a group of people from university about it. I referred to her as ‘she who shall not be named’ (great Voldemort reference there) and we joked about it. Personally, I will do everything in my power to be in a different to her, be as far away as possible and even stage a protest if I have to. This is something that I want to do and there is no way that she is getting in the way of it. Some other poor soul will have to suffer her and I really do pity them. Jokes aside, I don’t know what is going to happen when she sees me again, after all, she is utterly bananas and could go ape, who knows.
Half of the names were people that were in my old group from las year so I know them a little already. I think that it would be nice to get to know them a little better, especially one of them that I had a little crush on. However, she will most certainly be paired with a this mouthy Essex girl that if you know what an Essex person is like, I would rather bungee jump into a vat of acid. And the talented girl that I liked, is one hundred person not interested so I probably won’t end up being in her group either. The others are either mature students or these other girls I know that will be together too. I have no idea which clique I will be put in, but either way, I think it is clear that I will be friends with the other leaders, but rather get to know the fresh faces of the new year and be there for them.
This role would get me out of my little flat more and if I do hate the people I am living with again, then hopefully it will be a sweet escape. The training for this leadership takes place on a day in late September according to one of the tutors, leading me to believe that it will be the same week as the weekend I move in. Consequently, I might have to move in a few days earlier and at the moment, I am very happy about that! No more fucking family, I get to escape again and despite the darkness from last year, I am wiser in how to avoid some of the issues that I had. Knowing that I am lactose intolerant, I will not be ill for the first this time, meaning I can get stuck in to meet new people and be myself. I recently bought Cards Against Humanity on eBay and I am now waiting a million years for them to arrive, hoping that I will have different people to play it with than last year.
I am once again being hopeful, possibly a step in the right direction, or like before a step towards hope could lead me in to something dark again. Either way, I am wiser now and I have that experience, it is something that I must do. To quote Shia LaBeouf, ‘just do it!’
Much love from your friend,