I lay in comfort, tucked in, fixed on my TV. ‘No worries’ I thought to myself at 4am last night. Then, a few words spoken on-screen ripped through me, bringing me straight back to my last ex. The past twenty-four hours have crushed me once again.
What was said on-screen reflected an exact conversation I had with her, along the lines of having an evil within us and that she cannot be loved. The character’s partner reassured her like I had in the past that he loves all of her, he could love her when she couldn’t love herself; he would always be there to help her recover from the dark days.
I had that conversation many times with her when she would lose faith in herself. We both thought that we could help each other, give each other purpose and feel loved. But I couldn’t see through all of the blind faith and hope that she had always been on a path of self-destruction and that I was just another scar on that path. I thought I could ‘fix’ her when I was already broken; it was doomed to fail from the start. And I play it all over again in my head.
After losing the safety in my room, in my own head, all I wanted to do was run to the lake, sit by it, watch the water. When I am this depressed, all I want to do is drown. I’m drowning in negative emotion and the water is one way I can put a stop to it. I cannot swim, no one would be around for hours; I could finally end this misery. It has been so long since I was hurt and still I find myself alone, wanting to leave this place. When the one place of safety falls through and I lose again, I am trapped in a downwards spiral. That night I had to find her again on social media, see her again. I kept whispering that I wanted to die and I was banging my head on the wall because I couldn’t sleep. I hate what she has done to me and still I haven’t found a way to cope, a way to live a normal life, a way to get over it. And what I found on her social media, signs that she is in love with someone else.
She can move on, find another body to hold her before she inevitably self-destructs again. And for five months, no one has so much as looked at me. I literally think that whatever I see in the mirror, everyone else sees my braces, spots, generic adolescent frame and it is like the perfect camouflage to appear as nothing special amongst the billions of people on the planet. The only people that communicate with me are people that want something, such as customers at work that take about ten seconds of staring at me before they take in a breath to ask me a question when my boss isn’t around. No stranger says anything to me, they barely take a glimpse at me. And when they do, it’s probably because there is something behind me that they’re actually interested in.
Today, at home, on social media, at work, I hid my feelings and everything that had happened to me last night. My dreams once again brought her back into my life. However, this time the pain was still there and there was nothing I could do about it. I was packed into a theatre and she came on stage with her boyfriend. I went to reach for my phone to make a joke to a friend that knew her to help me cope, but it disappeared ad I couldn’t communicate with him, I couldn’t communicate with anyone. I had to sit there and watch this horror show. With the image of her burned onto my retina, it was hard not to see red for the rest of the day.
I survived another day at work, wore the mask, portrayed the character and at the end of the performance everyone went home happy; everyone except me. The thoughts spilled into my mind now and then when I was supposed to be focussed on work, but after indulging in the pain of them I continued to do my job, take the emotion out. When I got home, I watched the next episode of that TV show and now, I am writing, confessing to and accepting the events of the past twenty-four hours. I think now at 1:08am, I might go out to sit by the lake, listen to some music, get some fresh air; I just need to exhale for a while. Don’t worry, I only plan on sitting there tonight, nothing else. I really need a break.
Before I go, a song called ‘Houdini’ by the underrated Alex Winston illustrates the pain vividly. My ex even used to grind her teeth in her sleep too like the song illustrates, even with me next to her. I knew she would leave… I guess what I am trying to say is that the song reminds me that there are other people out there dealing with the same emotional turmoil too and that they can live their life with it. I want to be like them, actually live for a change.
Much love from your friend,