Sitting on my sofa for a rest, just casually listening to some music after some exercise, all of a sudden my mind darkened and I was short of breath. Gasping for about fifteen minutes worrying about my future and everything else, I was powerless but to sit there, breath and contemplate.
I was and still am incredibly frightened of what happened and the uncertainty of what will happen to me. The growing fear of going back to university swells every day and the feeling I had, breathless and paralysed by fear, was a feeling I had hidden from myself and lost for the better… but it came back.
The feeling that out of no where, I was entirely alone, mortal, broken and unloved came back with a punch right in the stomach. I was winded and I couldn’t breath, my stomach felt knotted and constricting and I just wanted to be sick. The feeling only lasted for fifteen minutes but the damage was done. It made me a few minutes late for work and distracted. I got annoyed at myself for once again not being in control of my emotions and all I wanted to do was lay down, listen to music and rest, however, I had a job to do.
My job is physical and can be demanding of endurance when I can’t eat for four plus hours due to my braces and not being able to clean them at work and the lack of energy and motivation I feel on a daily basis. I had to hide what happened from my dad as I bumped into him on my way out and from my boss too. Just surviving on water and mentality, I would have sulked my way through the shift. Today’s silver lining though came in the form of my boss’s little daughter making jokes and pulling faces at me, a complete force of happiness that has no idea what is up with me but she just wants to make me smile. And somehow it worked, having someone no matter who they are, there for you to pick you up makes a world of difference. It can distract you, take you away from yourself and bring you back to reality. I wasn’t thinking about myself anymore and instead I was focused on doing my job and making her smile too.
In my everyday life however, I have no such person to help me through dark times; I got lucky being at work today. I have had no one in my life since my best friend cut me off three years ago, no one to be there for me and to listen and hug me when I cry too. I have always since felt and been alone without someone around to be there for me.
Today after work ended, a friend of mine said to the group of the six of us, asking if anyone would like to go out for something to eat, like a late night snack just for something to do. This opportunity gave me a little hope that today might get a little better yet after everything that had happened. I was the only person to respond and over an hour later, I asked what was going on and everyone said no to gooing out. As is the usual case with the only friends that have ever stayed through everything, they cannot be bothered to get up and walk out of their rooms. I honestly feel cursed to those five guys that I will never find anyone else interested in me, to go out and have a coffee with or do something physical rather thanjust talk online. Barely do I see them, forever they have been more of a voice over a microphone rather than physical people to interact with. We rarely go out and when we have plans, they often fall through due to one mysterious reason or another, hiding the truth that they just cannot be bothered. After having this toxic 21st century monstrosity for a group of guys that are supposed to be best mates, I am really tired of it. Tired of expecting the worst from them and getting my hopes up that the only people left in my life would actually want to make the effort to see me and be around me. Instead, my only friends remain a voice on social media and I am left alone in my room, hiding from my family and embracing invisibility.
Now you may begin to see why I still feel no signs of recovery, no rays of hope or a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything around me has been twisted and I suffer. I see people love their mothers, their fathers and siblings, trust, and I hide in my room indifferent about them after everything they have (or have not) done, living a life independant from them. My only friends don’t give me the light of day and in this world, I have a million and one times tried to branch out and meet new people, and that hope has always managed to prove me wrong, that my best is not good enough. This feeling of utter loneliness was amplified on my sofa today and made me irrationally fear the worst; that the next year of university will be worse, I will be depressed and sat in a dark room looking out of the window for hours again, hiding things, fearing people with a lack of trust and a cynical outlook, fail the course, fail the placement, be a disappointment and lose myself again. It is safe to say that what once was a beacon of hope has now become a dark tower of despair hanging over me. I am scared.
That attack earlier today was everything that I had been hiding for the past two weeks and yet again, I just want an outlet for my emotion through my inability to cry today and lack of arms to embrace, I am writing instead to voice this fear. Still awake at 2:47am, I am avoiding sleep and the outside world in my room, on my laptop listening to the rain and cars go past, life carrying on without me.
To end this post tonight on a different note instead with a little dark humour, I think I felt the same terror today as Frodo under the Eye of Sauron when he puts on the one ring, paralysed, unfathomably shaken and breathless. He fought through the darkest of times however and I never thought I would be comparing myself to a god damn Hobbit, but I guess I need to carry on through all of the suffering to eventually be happy at some point, whether that is dead or alive, anything is possible as I keep being reminded.
Much love from your friend,