I Had An Anxiety Attack Today And I Told No One. I Put On A Brave Face And I Sucked It Up.

Sitting on my sofa for a rest, just casually listening to some music after some exercise, all of a sudden my mind darkened and I was short of breath. Gasping for about fifteen minutes worrying about my future and everything else, I was powerless but to sit there, breath and contemplate. 

I was and still am incredibly frightened of what happened and the uncertainty of what will happen to me. The growing fear of going back to university swells every day and the feeling I had, breathless and paralysed by fear, was a feeling I had hidden from myself and lost for the better… but it came back.

The feeling that out of no where, I was entirely alone, mortal, broken and unloved came back with a punch right in the stomach. I was winded and I couldn’t breath, my stomach felt knotted and constricting and I just wanted to be sick. The feeling only lasted for fifteen minutes but the damage was done. It made me a few minutes late for work and distracted. I got annoyed at myself for once again not being in control of my emotions and all I wanted to do was lay down, listen to music and rest, however, I had a job to do.

My job is physical and can be demanding of endurance when I can’t eat for four plus hours due to my braces and not being able to clean them at work and the lack of energy and motivation I feel on a daily basis. I had to hide what happened from my dad as I bumped into him on my way out and from my boss too. Just surviving on water and mentality, I would have sulked my way through the shift. Today’s silver lining though came in the form of my boss’s little daughter making jokes and pulling faces at me, a complete force of happiness that has no idea what is up with me but she just wants to make me smile. And somehow it worked, having someone no matter who they are, there for you to pick you up makes a world of difference. It can distract you, take you away from yourself and bring you back to reality. I wasn’t thinking about myself anymore and instead I was focused on doing my job and making her smile too.

In my everyday life however, I have no such person to help me through dark times; I got lucky being at work today. I have had no one in my life since my best friend cut me off three years ago, no one to be there for me and to listen and hug me when I cry too. I have always since felt and been alone without someone around to be there for me.

Today after work ended, a friend of mine said to the group of the six of us, asking if anyone would like to go out for something to eat, like a late night snack just for something to do. This opportunity gave me a little hope that today might get a little better yet after everything that had happened. I was the only person to respond and over an hour later, I asked what was going on and everyone said no to gooing out. As is the usual case with the only friends that have ever stayed through everything, they cannot be bothered to get up and walk out of their rooms.  I honestly feel cursed to those five guys that I will never find anyone else interested in me, to go out and have a coffee with or do something physical rather thanjust talk online. Barely do I see them, forever they have been more of a voice over a microphone rather than physical people to interact with. We rarely go out and when we have plans, they often fall through due to one mysterious reason or another, hiding the truth that they just cannot be bothered. After having this toxic 21st century monstrosity for a group of guys that are supposed to be best mates, I am really tired of it. Tired of expecting the worst from them and getting my hopes up that the only people left in my life would actually want to make the effort to see me and be around me. Instead, my only friends remain a voice on social media and I am left alone in my room, hiding from my family and embracing invisibility.

Now you may begin to see why I still feel no signs of recovery, no rays of hope or a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything around me has been twisted and I suffer. I see people love their mothers, their fathers and siblings, trust, and I hide in my room indifferent about them after everything they have (or have not) done, living a life independant from them. My only friends don’t give me the light of day and in this world, I have a million and one times tried to branch out and meet new people, and that hope has always managed to prove me wrong, that my best is not good enough. This feeling of utter loneliness was amplified on my sofa today and made me irrationally fear the worst; that the next year of university will be worse, I will be depressed and sat in a dark room looking out of the window for hours again, hiding things, fearing people with a lack of trust and a cynical outlook, fail the course, fail the placement, be a disappointment and lose myself again. It is safe to say that what once was a beacon of hope has now become a dark tower of despair hanging over me. I am scared.

That attack earlier today was everything that I had been hiding for the past two weeks and yet again, I just want an outlet for my emotion through my inability to cry today and lack of arms to embrace, I am writing instead to voice this fear. Still awake at 2:47am, I am avoiding sleep and the outside world in my room, on my laptop listening to the rain and cars go past, life carrying on without me.

To end this post tonight on a different note instead with a little dark humour, I think I felt the same terror today as Frodo under the Eye of Sauron when he puts on the one ring, paralysed, unfathomably shaken and breathless. He fought through the darkest of times however and I never thought I would be comparing myself to a god damn Hobbit, but I guess I need to carry on through all of the suffering to eventually be happy at some point, whether that is dead or alive, anything is possible as I keep being reminded.

Much love from your friend,

Alex. 

9 thoughts on “I Had An Anxiety Attack Today And I Told No One. I Put On A Brave Face And I Sucked It Up.

  1. Oh Alex I felt every word you wrote. Keep fighting through the demons though like you did today and the more you win maybe they will stop coming to haunt you. Breathe and take it easy. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dawn here, Alex, on the other side of the globe . . . wishing you the very best and sending smiles and giggles and stupid faces!!! :))
    !!!!!!
    ( @@ ) #####
    ~~ = =
    0 ~
    ~~___(\ ~~___(\ ~~___(\
    …/\ …/\ …/\

    Hoping to cheer you up :)) Glad you got through the day :)) Please try your hand at making a stupid face or two back . . . it’s really fun!

    https://journalofdawn.wordpress.com/2017/07/28/but-do-you-ever-feel-like-a-fake/
    https://soulhorseride.wordpress.com/2017/07/29/watching-the-woman-work/

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Anxiety is a beast I can definitely relate with you on this, I once was incredibly socially active given my prior career as I *had* to be. Now it’s just me in this one bedroom apartment surrounded by boxes of things that I still have yet to unpack, my tools take up the majority of the living room as I no longer have my beloved workshop out back. For a long while I felt that I lost my space but slowly lately I’m beginning to realize that this *is* my space. When anxiety hits now I try to get out and go for a walk or a hike even if it is just me, I do not feel alone because I am still always accompanied with my thoughts even though I don’t like all of them. The mere act of moving and looking around helps me to process, and yes it is a fairly lonely lifestyle living in solitude but I’ve begun to enjoy it, spending my time on me instead of worrying about others. it might be worth looking into something creative such as writing a book or teaching yourself a new language?

    On the work and eating thing I can definitely relate, I live an active lifestyle and try to put down several meals a day which is not always possible. I found that sucrose tablets can be purchased at my local grocery or drug stores (the kind diabetics typically carry) and provide a very quick fix for low blood sugar helping to keep my mood and hands steady. Good luck to you

    ~J

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I would write a book or learn a new language if I had the motivation. I bought a cheap guitar a few months back and I set it up, attempted to tune it and get to grips with it. But I never found the motivation to play it. When I held it and tried to come up with something, I sucked. And I have barely touched it since. I never bothered to look up a YouTube tutorial and I still don’t feel the motivation. Getting a B in French in Secondary school was hard enough! I dunno, I just feel the need to have someone to do everything for rather than myself because whatever I do, it will only be me there to remember it and when I’m gone, everything would have been for nothing. I need someone to do it all for, which is a lot of pressure for someone but hopefully it won’t feel like pressure for them, just like it doesn’t for me when there has been someone I’ve cared about. Until then, it’s difficult for me to really do anything, especially when I feel like I have no reason to. I am just filling my time with Netflix, Amazon Prime and Xbox since I don’t really feel up to anything else. But thank you for comenting, I really do appreciate it. 🙂

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  4. Motivation has always been my most difficult of dragons, I often have to force myself to begin something. I have found though I have found once I start the task somewhat motivates itself. As far as the doing things for someone else I wholly understand this one having left a very long term relationship in which everything I did was for others. The reality is we all need to practice some degree of self care and attention to self in order to be fit for anyone else. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way multiple times and given my nature am likely to learn it again. I look at it like this, if I force myself to start a task I try to give it a half hour to an hour before I make any judgement call by then I am usually engulfed in the task to the point where I forget about making a judgement call at all and I carry through. If I decide after an hour I’m just not into it then I’ve lost nothing and can go from there.

    As far as the guitar goes, this has been one of my greatest teachers in life. I have played guitar for around 20 years now and I’m still horrible but I don’t play for others and have no real reason to be the best at it. As a perfectionist this was difficult for me to take but the actual act of playing guitar whether good or not is what matters not how well I do it. The fact that I have channeled my energy (and yes angst, depression, loneliness, anger are all energy) towards something that is constructive is the goal not being some amazing player. For the last decade or so guitar for me has been more of a working meditation than anything, I would urge you to give that a shot again!

    Liked by 1 person

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