For the past ten days, I have felt apathetic about everything; my life, my future and my past. I have not really felt down like I have been for months now, just not motivated, no emotion and struggling with everyday life. My situation has not changed, I am still feeling invisible, unloveable and alone. I guess right now I feel distant from the world.
Beginning with everyday life, I am struggling. Struggling to express myself and be who I want to be and even struggling with working, even though on average, I work around ten hours a week. It should be easy, I have worked there for over a year and a half, I have ludicrous amounts of free time and I just cannot cope with it. When I am at work, things just slip my mind, I lose all energy on the journey there and I just want to leave more than anything when I arrive. I really don’t care about the money.
This feeling of apathy takes me back to where I was at a year ago when nothing was happening in my life, I had no one to see, little work hours and tonnes of free time. I sometimes struggled with everyday life such as sleeping, working and socializing. But now, that feeling has been personified to physically hold me back from things I want to do and limit my ability to feel any real emotion. It has stopped me from writing anything in the past week and I suppose the only will I have had to do anything is to see my psychotherapist. I know I still want to be happy and feel something and so that it is probably what motivated me. I am clutching onto that fading hope that is mostly too pale to see that maybe one day I could feel true happiness. I just don’t believe it when anyone tells me things will get better. When anything has ever gotten better for me, in time I lose it and I am left all by myself again and I don’t know if I can go through that again, new friends, relationships and a career.
If I am to get better, I will need to make new friends that want to go out, involve e in their lives and just appreciate having someone who is always there for them. That is all I have ever tried to be and yet I have gotten nowhere, gone unnoticed.
I will need to fix my sleeping habits too so that I can be awake and active during the daytime. On average I have been waking up at around 1pm and going to bed at 5am. Yes I know, that is unhealthy, typical student. Sleeping tablets did not work and I just cannot fall asleep, I don’t want to see my dreams again. Instead I find something like the TV to waste all of my time with, procrastinate until I feel guilty that the sun is coming up and the birds are chirping outside my window. I don’t know how to feel determined to sleep by 1am when I am struggling and procrastinating seems like the better option. After all, I don’t have to wake up the next day, I don’t have anybody to see.
Instead, I hide in my room with my three meals a day, water, music, TV and bed until the sun comes up. It’s difficult to change when the only reason to change is that I don’t like myself living this way. Although I don’t like living at all so it’s not really a motivating factor to change either.
As much as I am now dreading the second year of university, the one thing about it that I am looking forward to is my own room, twice the size of what I am currently living in. A single bed and a wardrobe barely fit, I have no room to move and that just makes me feel frustrated and not willing to leave my bed when I am better off sat in it. At least at university I will be away from my family and despite the people I will be living with next year, I will get away to my own place to hide and have that freedom. Everything else about university, the people, the course, the pressure, it all feels like impending doom. University may be the lesser of two evils compared to living at home, but an evil is still an evil. And so I do not really feel any overwhelming emotion for my future, my present or my past. Something really needs to change quickly now; it has been an endless nightmare for as long as I can remember. When will I finally be able to function again, feel something and have someone?
Much love from your friend,