I ask myself these questions every day. The familiar bleak horizon is ever approaching and despite the Summer sunshine, it has never appeared so black. Up until yesterday, I have been holding onto the hope of going back to university in September, having my own space, seeing the faces again, perhaps find someone and a sense of purpose. But now, even that hope feels lost.
Not much has changed in my life to feel this way, but in all of my moods, I still do not feel positive even about that anymore. I think I juxtaposed university to home life a little too much; at both homes I have depression and feel anti-social to my friends that I am still struggling with keeping. It is just another place to be ignored in and treated badly like last semester. I also do not feel motivated when I am there either… I guess I should just be looking forward to escaping my parents and having some actual space to live in.
Currently, my house resembles the clutches my mother, the hoarder, has on this house. Plastic bags and boxes, ancient magazines and newspapers smother the entire house. Two bedrooms and the attic are completely full of junk and the three-seater sofa can only accommodate one person as the rest has been taken over. We cannot even get into the conservatory for the Summer or sit at the dining table as family. And my house has been this way since before I was born. I have never been able to have friends over, they see into the house from the outside and rather than inviting them in for a drink, we either sit at the front door step or in the garden. I hate it. There is a narrow path through the whole house and crossing another person coming the other way is a nightmare. As a kid, playing with Lego, building castles and cities, was supposed to be fun and a healthy way to bring up a child, rather than playing video games. However, half of the time, there was no space to play with any of my toys and so I had no choice but to watch TV or play video games. And with no friends that wanted to come in, I would only really see them at school or the odd occasion to play football (which I always sucked at).
One would imagine that you can picture the horror and the desperation to escape such a horrible place. It is a huge cause of my initial anxiety and depression before anything else and as much I want to leave, to have space to walk and sit again at university, not even that freedom feels hopeful anymore. I am dreading seeing the people again, feeling paranoid and anxiety and depression until 3am where at that point I am sat in a dark room, staring out of the window at the abyss with music in my ears to keep me company. I am guilty of having breakdowns every other day for the last three months of university and no one knows about it. Nobody actually noticed. All of the people on my social media see even now that I usually sleep at 3am, which is due to the dread of the happiness and innocence of my dreams where I forget reality and the depression. I used to sleep at 1am, much less than ideal; I would love to be able to drift away by 12pm. It sounds silly when I say that I hate happy dreams, but the wrong people are in those dreams, and I wish I could forget rather than be lied to and feel the past again with them. I just want to move on.
And so I wake up, come to consciousness and all I feel like doing is going back to sleep, just so that I can hide one hour longer and feel something good, even if it’s not real. I thought that I woke up for the hope of escaping to university but now, I don’t. I don’t wake up for anything. I don’t want to see this house around me, the lack of people paying any interest in my life and I am sick of feeling sorry for myself. But if I don’t, then who will?
My answer to the above questions is: nothing. Where am I going? Nowhere. I just feel lost in spiralling circles, constantly feeling down and out, revolving in this heavy pain without a reason to try anymore. Even if I did get better, what would I be getting better for? Who? I guess I am just hung up on questions I cannot answer again. These questions matter to me though, I used to be able to answer them and now, I cannot. Without any love, positive faces or motivation, I don’t know how I will make it to September, let alone survive the second semester, sanity and body intact. Who knows, maybe I will be able to use my invisibility to survive the year!
Much love from your friend,