Quoting the title of HAIM’s incredible and emotional new album, the one person that I know in my personal life that I have told about this blog, I have something to tell you. I lied and I apologise.
I know you don’t really know who HAIM are and the reference is completely lost on you, but what I have to tell you is that I lied about being okay with you hiding the flat decision from me. The flat for next semester fits five people in together and if you know four people, you can book with them. I was left out of this flat once before as everyone booked it behind my back way back in January. And when there was talk of somebody leaving the booking for next year, I expressed to you that I really wanted that space to get out of the flat I am currently in for next year.
I don’t know three of the people and the other person I do know, is an absolute nightmare to live with. I like him, we have things in common and we can have a laugh, but at social occasions, small doses. He has way too much energy and a touchy feely behaviour to live with, I cannot deal with that and remain sane and human after 8 months of that. I know you had a situation where you were going to be living with four strangers, but the flat with everyone in it including your boyfriend was literally opposite the flat door. You would have been close enough to practically live with him anyway. You had told everyone you two would wait a year before you thought about moving in together. And after how much we had talked about it, you know I would move to that flat in a heartbeat.
So when a friend in there told me someone had backed out of the booking, they invited me and so I told the university people and they said someone had already booked it a week ago. I thought that it was odd, maybe a mistake in the system or something. I asked my friend if he had any idea, he asked the other flat mates if they had any idea and they all said they didn’t know. And then at the end of the day, you came out and apologised to me and the group. Three people hurt me then.
My exact words were ‘it’s alright, it might not have worked out living with them anyway.’ I hate lying, I am honest in almost everything I say, I cannot stand lying because I know how much it hurts. And in that moment, I thought tha it would just be the best thing to do. It was the day after my birthday and I was feeling low, but I put your feelings first, said that I was alright with it and I acted like nothing had happened. You have enough to worry about and I didn’t want to add to it so that’s why I lied. That was my something to tell you and I apologise if you hate me for writing this much up, but you should have seen right through that lie, call me what you want, you are the only person that talks to me.
I thought that you would have told me, perhaps even asked me and I probably would have been alright with it if you had just considered me before doing it. But you didn’t tell me, or three of the people at the flat. I just thought that you would tell me. And your boyfriend didn’t say anything either, whether he knew or not, he was supposed to be a trusted friend but with everything going on with me, paranoia and depression, maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, maybe not. And the third person is living in that flat next year. I remember being told that a few months ago, he said behind my back that he would rather have a random person live in that space rather than me or someone he knew. He put it just like that and I lived with him for a whole semester the year previous. And then when all of this happened last week now (I know, it’s old news now and I should get over it, but I can’t), he said to you and everyone that he prefers you anyway over any random person. He was either lying or he likes to change his mind a lot.
And once again, I feel left out. I haven’t been a part of the group as long as everyone else but even then, as a group I thought I could look forward to seeing in less than 70 days time now, I am not so sure. With everything I have going on in my head, I don’t need this added drama either. I am writing this on here because no matter what happens to me after, I should have been honest from the start. I had to confess to telling a lie because it wasn’t right, even if I was trying to consider your feelings. Lies always untangle in the end and makes a mess. I am truly sorry, that’s how I really feel.
To quote HAIM again, a lyric that has stuck with me since I heard it on ‘Night So Long’, ‘in loneliness my only friend, in loneliness my only fear’. Please don’t leave me alone.
Much love from your friend,