For a while now I have been trying to quantify the mixed feelings that I have and make sense of them; that way, I can identify them and hopefully attempt to understand them better so that they rule over my impulses and I can take a step back, think about what I do before the dark side of me takes over.
Jealousy, pity and no self-worth, a lack of motivation and energy, anger and frustration, paranoia, anti-social and reclusive, emotional, alone and suicidal. These are the main feelings that have encompassed my emotional state and not a single one of them is positive. This makes me even more of an outsider and an even less of a ‘fun’ person to be around. The real me is underneath this shadow but I cannot find anyone to illuminate him. I just feel trapped and lost and with this state of mind, it is debilitating to the little that I want to do with my day and my social appearance. Constantly, people tell me to ‘cheer up’ or to ‘take things less seriously’, even people with depression tell me that! I would have thought that they would understand how ignorant and insulting that feels when you are physically not capable of ‘cheering up’. I cannot unfortunately control the chemicals in my brain, nor my subconscious fixation on negativity, pain and things that my brain feels compelled to question. I have probably just painted a pretty negative and biased picture of myself but hopefully that gives you an insight into what I have been feeling for five months now. I still feel like I don’t want to be here; I still want to taste happiness again. Instead, I can only see happiness in other people.
Jealousy. This evil feeling is something I have repressed my entire life. I have never really considered myself to be jealous of anyone or anything. And yet, now I know what it truly feels like and how it influences people on a daily basis. You see what you want the most in other people and you want that for yourself. For me, everyone around me seems to be prospering, loving life and feeling loved. I don’t feel loved, I hate my life, I want what they have for myself. The sad truth is that it is not something that I can just obtain, I cannot take it for myself; love and happiness is something that happens autonomously. Some people feel it more than others, I just happen to be an ‘other’. I get told that’s okay because they still see that I can be a good person, that I want to be happy and so I just need to be patient, give it time. They are right in that it cannot be forced. However, belonging, feeling loved is a basic human need that we require to function. And without it, I feel like I am not functioning at all. I should feel happy for those successful people like I did before, but I just don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe my jealousy is due to my depression, or maybe I just grew up and see an imperfect world now.
Paranoia: I question absolutely everything; why did that person get a better grade than me? Why did they read my text and not reply? Do they even know me, why they do that to me? Why does all of this shit happen to me and everyone else is living their life?
I really wish that this was not true but I do it, to everyone and everything. Who wants to be friends with someone that questions your every move and word? I don’t but I’m stuck with him for now. He is a huge pain in the arse and yet I cannot shake this little ‘why’ monster, constantly asking questions I don’t have the answers to. I drives me insane contemplating the answers, but as there is not much in this Summer holiday to keep me busy, I have a lot of time on my hands to think. In that time, I feel trust issues and like I need to avoid people so that I don’t lose my shit with them, even when what has happened may not even be about me or intended to hurt me and that I should just give them a second chance. Presently, I am running incredibly low on second chances due to the sheer amount that I have given away in the past and then lost. I don’t even have enough friends to be paranoid about, I should take what I can get, but life is just not going my way and even my friends are not helping anymore. I feel like I am getting worse somehow, despite my best efforts to get out of this hole; my best is not good enough.
Pity & No Self-Worth: About 40% of my words are used on pitying myself, feeling sorry for myself wishing that things would just get better. I look in the mirror and I see braces, spots, bags and a lack of weight and muscle. I remember all of the abuse people give me. I am after all only human like you, I have just been treated differently, unfavourably shall we say. I feel small and so I tell myself that, that I am one in 7 billion, no need for my life to improve when someone that has less than me could have a better life instead. There is no scripture or plan in motion designed to make my life better, there is no reason for it to. As an atheist, even though I would like to believe in re-incarnation (that might explain why my life has turned out this way), there is no reason for one life to suddenly, autonomously improve. There is no reason for my luck to change. Survival of the fittest has led to my completely random, unforeseeable life and I have made it this far, but not how I would have liked to. I have put so much effort into giving second chances, forgiving, doing the right thing and making people smile, happiness is all I want for myself and other people and somehow I have ended up at the other end of the spectrum. That’s how things have turned out for me and I cannot help but dwell on it, feel like it has to be something to do with me, for everything to go wrong, I cannot blame anybody else but myself. Otherwise that would be pretty unfortunate to have only ever known the wrong people all of my life. Who’s to say the right people are around the corner? There are too many things in my life that are out of my control and it just makes me feel the lowest of the low.
Lack Of Motivation & Energy: Ever since I left university for the Summer break, I have gone back to not eating three meals a day or my 5 a day, my sleep is even worse, I am becoming further confined to my room and mind and I have no motivation to do anything. I am struggling to make time for my running program, Couch to 10k, even though I have nothing to do except work three nights a week, I procrastinate my life away to occupy my mind. I bought a guitar months ago and I still have not began to learn it. I am struggling to stay sane during my short work hours and I just don’t get excited about anything anymore. I see something I liked and then think ahead, predict a negative and then somehow, feeling like a psychic, that negative thing becomes a reality. The same does not apply to positivity however because I have tried and failed with wishful thinking. I don’t know how to feel motivated, especially in my cluttered house ruled by my evil parents, I just want to get out but I can’t until the end of September… great.
Anger & Frustration: I have become a cliché in that I feel like no one understands or appreciates me, I am not accepted for being myself and things are not going well for me. Boo hoo… I get jealous which leads to anger and frustration, I get paranoid which makes me frustrated, having no energy makes me angry and frustrated. All of these big, horrible feelings are accompanied by the side dish of you guessed it, anger and frustration. I cannot help it; once again I cannot control my mind and nothing good can come of these feelings. We have established that I am a human being, but a ‘normal’ person does not get frustrated by almost everything. In the past few years, I haven’t lost shit at anyone, screamed and kicked off. I have been pissed off of course but I have never made a huge monster deal out of anger in a long time; I have mostly kept it between myself and my Xbox. We all need an outlet and shouting at an inanimate object is probably more healthy than some other options. I guess what I am trying to say is that this frustration created by the other feelings only fuels he other feelings more and makes them worse. The paranoia kicks in, I get frustrated and want to know ‘why’ and then I get more paranoid and frustrated questioning what has happened and not having an answer. That is not healthy and it makes it extremely hard to let things go and forgive, further alienating myself from my handful of friends.
Anti-Social & Reclusive: I try my best to hide these feelings. I try not to be a constant misery machine on my friends because I know how suffocating that is and I want people to enjoy talking to me and being around me. I don’t want to be that friend with all of the drama; I want to be a best friend, known, loved and someone that you can have a laugh with. And above all, someone you don’t stab in the back. I have developed a few trust issues after my back has been left a pincushion. I need someone that is not going to add to the history and stay in my present, that I don’t have to question and worry about. That would be the dream. Unfortunately, I do not feel like I have been blessed with such people in my life. My family spread things, many friends do things behind my back that get hidden and the longer they wait, the worse things get. I am sick and tired of this cassette on loop. It is pushing me further away. I already feel invisible enough but when I am around people, I am beginning to wish that I was just invisible, hidden from everyone so that I cannot be involved in anything. I do not need the drama and I don’t want to cause any either. People don’t seem to have a great understanding on mental health and what that means. I often get overlooked because of it, even my dad ells me to ‘cheer up’. This just makes me want to get out of the conversation as fast as possible, run to the hills and scream as loud as humanly possible.
Often I find myself in the situation where I wish that I could just leave and not be judged by anyone, put some music on and hide. I have no problem making conversation, in fact I try so hard to meet new people, make friends but it seems that no one really feels the same way. This society feels very closed with hundreds of people on the streets and not a single person knows one another, says ‘hi’ to, not even acknowledge their existence. They go out, do what they do and go home to their support base and feel good about themselves. I want to get to know those people and their stories, break free of the people in my life and do something different. But if I tried talking to a stranger, I would either be ignored or shouted at. So instead I am trapped in my little life and even with the people that I know, as much as I want to express myself, I want to hide too.
Emotional, Alone & Suicidal: Ultimately, this mess of emotion leaves me ’emotional’ and swinging in and out of moods from down to depressed, making me want to be surrounded by friends to wanting to run away from them. I had my first breakdown in the early hours of 22nd February 2017 and I cried for over an hour and a half. I just couldn’t stop and I didn’t even know why I was crying. That was the first of more to come. I have mood swings where I can’t get out and I just want to vent even though it is all just the same as before and no one is there to listen. Words don’t really do the feelings justice but I have been feeling low enough for so long now that whenever I cross a road, walk past a body of water or am on my bike, I picture what it would be like to fall. I always think about what it would be like, after all I would only suffer for a little while before forgetting absolutely everything. You might think that’s so dark, how could I even think about that as an option and the truth for me is that it is an option. If I died tomorrow, I honestly with every part of me believe that I would be content in not suffering anymore. I feel like I have just had enough and I can’t deal with anymore. I haven’t seen any improvement in my situation since the beginning, only further into this abyss. I am exhausted.
Right now, a song called ‘One Out Of Two’ by Breakbot just came on shuffle and I feel envy in that it explores the feelings of someone that is living for their partner, the person that gives them a reason to live and meaning in their life. I need that person more than anything. It is an insurmountable amount of pressure to put on someone’s shoulders, but hopefully, if that one does exist, they will only feel feather as love will carry the rest. And I want to do the same for them, be an equal, do whatever it takes for them. I know 100% that having someone there for me will allow me to fix myself. My last grain of hope is invested in that belief and I guess that it is the one thing holding me back from the fall. Even with nothing left, there is a possibility of that one person existing. I hope to high heaven that they are right around the corner because I cannot feel like this any longer, the depression choking me. I guess life owes me that much.
Much love from your friend,