After a week spent over thinking things (like usual), I was expecting the worst birthday I have ever had and that is saying a lot considering the past few years. And after waking up with a good start to the day, things slowly went down hill and reinforced the feeling of unimportance and invisibility.
I have not felt happiness in many months now and for some people, their own day of the year where everyone they know celebrates them can make them feel some happiness and feel important. But for me, it only confirmed my deluded feelings of invisibility and unimportance, even though some people remembered to message me ‘happy birthday’ and ‘have a great day!’ Those people don’t really know me at all; it was never going to be a good day with my mental state.
The best thing about the day was waking up to a text from my crush, saying ‘happy birthday’ and ‘have a great day!’ After not speaking to each other for the past three weeks due to distance and her having a life, I had been remembered by someone who was seemingly distant to me. I felt a fleeting warmth inside before I got out of bed to see my parents. Immediately, my soul was crushed.
Every year they put some thought into a present whether they ask me or my brothers or not, they always get us something. Five days before my birthday was my brother’s and my parents bought him a few presents… this year they handed me a little card with £50 insided and the words ‘you didn’t tell us what you wanted.’ Their thinking behind the card was that they would rather get me nothing than something I may not have liked. Well a little thought and consideration would be nice but clearly, my parents do not care about me. So, any thought and hope I had before this moment quickly vanished into a distant dream I once had. My dad then left to go to work and my mum stayed on her laptop, not even acknowledging my existence. For the rest of the entire day, I spent it putting a like on the odd Facebook post and playing Xbox with a few people I know online.
They were all great and I spoke to a friend I haven’t seen in over a year and it was nice, but I play Xbox and talk to them nearly every day. So really I wasted the entire day in my room, mostly alone with music and a headset on. I would have loved to have actually done something with my life on my day of the year, we even went out for dinner for my brother’s birthday five days ago, but for me, nothing. My brothers gave me their presents after they finished work and then did their own thing, they didn’t want to do anything with me. And so naturally, like any other teenager, I continued to sulk alone in my room.
What absolutely takes the cake though was that I didn’t even get a proper cake! I had to cook my own dinner, eat it by myself at the table and then hours later, my brother materializes in my doorway with a slice of cake in his hand and hands it to me. So no candles, no wishes, nothing. I get handed a slice and then he just walks off. Even with my paranoia and over-active imagination I never could have dreamt such an unimportant birthday. Literally, none of my friends made plans to see me, my family didn’t bother with me and I did not even get my own cake to wish for the obvious, I was trapped in my own room to slowly accept how small and unloved I really am.
I was talking to a friend online that lives about a forty minute walk away and told him what an ‘amazing’ and ‘joyous’ day I had and he says, ‘oh! Give me fifteen minutes and come outside.’ I did exactly that and at 11pm, two of my friends were outside in a car and we went to McDonald’s, the only place we ever see each other. No one else could be bothered to come out to see me so the three of us talked and ate for about two hours. My best mate, he was the one that was driving and he paid for my £5 meal, more generous than all of my other friends have ever been in my life. We had some light conversation and then the inevitable deep conversation about depression and it just so happens that his sister is a trained counsellor, starting up her business and that she would see me for free. Even though I took up the offer and I am currently arranging an appointment, counselling advice on my birthday was not exactly what I had in mind.
When I got home, feeling like if I went to sleep right now I wish I would never wake up, there was only one way to end the day, watch my favourite film of all time at 2am: The Breakfast Club. Thank you John Hughes for creating such a masterpiece as the classic 80s music and references, deep conversations and sexuality are all expressed in this coming of age movie exploring five stereotypes of the modern day. It is still relevant as it ever was and demonstrates the effects parenting has on children, that no one is perfect, virginity is something to be happy and comfortable with, loneliness alienates people to create a mask for everyone to see so that people can hide their pain and reality and that everyone is going through something deeply disturbing whether that’s an unsatisfying home life and being ignored, being pressured by your parents to succeed and having no freedom of choice in your life, feeling suicidal, a crisis in what people think of you and sexuality and abusive parents / carers, everybody is going through something and we need consider people’s feelings now and then, see the individual through the mask and stereotype. I want someone to see me through my mask and consider my feelings, we all do. Unfortunately, not even on my day of the year someone could see through my mask and consider my feelings.
Left alone to waste away in my room, palmed of with a card and £50, not even deserving of a cake or a meaningful conversation, not worth taking time for, left to fade away into the background, I feel more unimportant than I ever have in my life. Two friends made the last-minute effort to see me and we went to he place we always go to; if anything, this was the least special day of the year. I had to rely on a DVD to make me feel something. Yes a few people remembered to drop a message, but no one wanted a conversation. No one wants to hear what I have to say apart from the odd person that will read this tragic blog and make it this far.
I guess the lessons you can learn from this are what not to do on someone’s birthday. Talk to them, make plans to take time out of your life to see or speak to them, even if it’s through Skype. Actually let the person see their own cake and make a wish, treat them the same as you do their other siblings, put some consideration into that person, their feelings and needs. I need some love… even if that is in the form of sponge, cream and icing; it’s better than nothing.
Much love from your friend,