Yesterday, I could not sleep. I was laying in a dark room under a cover and yet my mind would not rest; we’ve all been there many times. However, I made the grave mistake in opening up my phone and I feel like I have to admit this because I feel a greater mess of emotions today than usual. I read through old conversations with my two exes this year and I cannot bring myself to delete them or move on.
I wish it was as simple as clicking the little rubbish bin icon on the screen but inside me, I do not possess the ability or the will to do it. Part of me is tethered to that past and I do not want to let go of it because as painful as it is, in those messages I was happy which is something I have not been able to feel for months now. Indeed it is torture and it hurts me to read through them again and again, but I was happy. It was nice to know what that felt like.
It was a huge risk to take, focussing on the faces and voices that haunt me in my dreams right before I inevitably drift off to sleep, although I could not stop myself any more. It had been too long since I had last read them and with no one in my personal life to feel happy with, that was the only way I could bring up my mood and lose myself in that security and love again and forget what happened. As much as I long to move on like any other adult, without someone to occupy my mind and someone to focus my love and energy on, this single soul keeps on crawling back to the shadows of those that had touched it before. I know that if I did have someone new in my life, I could move on.
I just keep running back to the past as I feel like I have no future and only pain and loneliness in the present. I think their words, no matter what has happened since, they manage to give me some comfort that once upon a time, someone cared. And out of 99.9% of people, they were the ones that picked me out, whether it was for their own demented reasons or not, they still picked me. That feeling makes me happy, even if I question why me and whether they truly felt any love for me whatsoever, they still picked me. They saw happiness in me and I miss that; my life feels like it has consumated into a pale reflection of who I was and now my family complain about me behind my back, most people avoid me and I am lost in feeling broken, alone and toxic. So as wrong and disturbing as reading those old texts back is, they hold my last memories of true happiness and they stay a memento of hope, that I am capable of happiness and love. I cannot forgive myself for falling into the temptation of keeping them and reading them and I know that sometime soon I will most likely be reading them again. However, now I can admit this feeling, give a positive to a negative and feel happiness again, even if it is wrong.
One thing I did discover though is that ex number two has blocked me on social media some time since finishing the first year of university and this is despite not having spoken to eachother since early February. What drove her to make that change so long after the break up? Does she still have feelings for me? I cannot lie, that made me stay up a little while longer last night and has contributed to this mess of emotion inside of me. Even if she did still have feelings for me however, I know for the good of my own humanity to stay well clear of her after everything she did to me. She lied to me, hid things from me and was not faithful; I cannot invite that monstrous pain back into my life. But I do just want to know the answer to why she blocked me after all of this time, an answer that I will never likely know.
And I cannot help but feel temptation when it comes to her because she seems to be the only one paying any attention to me and my heart; but that temptation can never become reality, I owe it to myself not to fall for her again. I do need to get better and nothing good can ever come from my past. Despite how lonely I will get, I still have some self-dignity left. I want to find someone to give me hope again and this time, to be someone true and honest, someone truly good this time. Until then, I will be looking for a fairytale ending.
Much love from your friend,