Have you noticed that there is not a single image of myself or my personal life on there? Oh and by the way, bonus points are available if you can label every single image in my collage!
You may be wondering why I chose to bring that up rather than discuss everything that is in there… well pop culture is so expansive these days that there are a million different people these days giving a million different opinions on what they love, hate and avoid. Now before I contradict myself, indeed I am more than likely to add my own opinion to pop culture among the millions already out there at some point. However, I have specifically opted for a more personal and engaging read today.
So there just so happens to be a multitude of answers to the question of why nothing truly personal or physical resides in this collage. One answer is that I am not very photogenic; another is that I do not have very many pictures of myself, mainly because there is no one to take one of me. I have barely any friends that I never see, I am naturally critical of myself and I refuse to spend any more money on a better phone or the modern day monstrosity: the selfie stick. What’s more is that I hardly look like Brad Pitt or Hugh Jackman in the muscles, skin complexion or cheekbones department.
That answers why I am not in the collage, but surely I must have a picture of someone I know personally on there? Nope. I have no one to see in my personal life just as there is no one to see in this image that I know. Arguably, I know the famous faces better than the real faces in my life, but that is another debate for another time.
I honestly do not consider the need to have a picture of myself or anyone on there that I know. For one, I know what I look like so I don’t need a constant reminder of my face. Furthermore, I know what the people in my life look like and as I so often lose a friend, if I put somebody on there, chances are that I would have to remove them within time. I long for a permanent face in my life that isn’t my morbid own or that of someone I am trying to forget. For some reason, hidden away on my phone I cannot let go of the pictures of the people that caused me the most pain. I have a little folder with the pictures of faces that used to shine so bright in my eyes and now all I am left with is the memory of what could have been. These pictures are the faces of my pain that I see when I close my eyes.
Hence why I need such a busy and vivid background to keep me occupied and clear my mind of any feeling from my personal life. The visages of those that cannot hurt me and are always there for me when I need them instead populate my background and inspire the creativity in me. This is no two dimensional image; a background image is always something much deeper and whilst I see most people have a picture sparking a certain memory (most commonly a selfie with their bestie or a wedding photo), mine connotes a head in the clouds; a distracted person so desperately clinging on to an escape and a promise of a happy, fairytale ending.
Everytime I look upon a haunting face from my past, it hurts. For me, it is my form of self harm and deep in my subconscious I can never let those faces go; a scar buried much deeper inside me that I try to hide. But I had to admit it eventually and this is my confession of my pain, my life and my loss. That is my outlook on my life as bleak as it is. And this Summer promises to be the most lonely yet with the loss of love and friends and the diagnosis of depression. Still, I have my job, my compulsion towards pop culture and music and my one person to talk to everyday on social media. Although other than that, I feel pretty hopeless. I have been thinking about joining a sports club for the Summer such as a martial art but then I realised, even that thought was doomed to remain a dream as I have braces and I am not supposed to engage in any activity that could cause trauma to the mouth. So goodbye dreams of being a kung fu badass until next Summer. And that was probably the pop culture talking.
I need some hope in my life. The images depicted in my background and the dependence on distraction does not feel enough to keep my mind at bay anymore. Today, I had a glimmer of hope with my first comment on this blog, but then everything else about today sucked and I feel compelled to open my heart out to the internet again. I guess I just need somebody to listen. A listener is hope; hope that there is someone out there that completely by chance found my voice and wants to hear it. And maybe I will find someone again in my personal life that also wants to hear my voice. I have been waiting a very long time to have someone to just chill with and be myself with, go out and grab a coffee. And maybe one day that person will join the faces on my background. But until then, it looks like I will just take life one day at a time and try to survive until the next. Thank you for reading this.
Much love from your friend,