For the first sixteen years of my dysfunctional life, my best friend was a girl. I told her everything about myself and we saw each other every other day. We grew up in the same street, in the same schools and we shared the same narcissistic sense of humour. And it was destined to end with a hole in my heart.
Growing up with someone allowed me to always have someone to confide in and feel supported by. We would chill out all of the time in her room, in our gardens, do just about anything and everything millennial kids did. I saw my first movie at the cinema with her, the Spongebob Movie and ever since I have loved movies (I have over 500 DVDs! I know, it screams that I’m a loner and a loser). In the Summer of 2009, it was our final year at Primary School and with the rising heat and the peer pressure of everybody watching, we had our first kiss at the final prom.
The following year, I got a camera for Christmas and I took my only picture of her and I have kept it, even after everything that has happened. Since that picture, she dyed her hair red, developed mental and physical health conditions that cannot be remedied, just eased by medication and it became clear that we would never be the same. Throughout Secondary school, her conditions worsened but I thought I was there for her, doing everything I could for her. I knew there were things that she wasn’t telling me as she found some other friends but we still saw each other every other day. Things felt more intense for me in the final year of Secondary school when we were 16.
Getting closer to being adults, we both grew up quickly knowing more than most people our age, we would talk about the popular people, philosophy and morality, crushes and also super dorky and lame stuff like movies and video-games. When I was with her I was happy and I could smile, something I normally struggle with. I wanted to take things further so I kept on asking her out to the cinema or to cycle or walk around the lake, just go out somewhere together. But every time I asked, she seemed to be busy with this other guy or her illnesses prevented her from escaping her house. I thought that she wasn’t seeing my feelings for her after spending the year trying with her. When Secondary school finished, we stayed at the same school to study further education and she had a whole plan for her future, what she was going to study at which university and I couldn’t see past the next year, I had no idea. All I knew was that I wanted her.
At the beginning of the year, a girl asked me out on a date and as it looked like she was spending more time with another guy, I took the shot and she even encouraged me to go on this date. It was October in 2014 and I was early, waiting outside of the cinema. My anxiety was wrenching my stomach and I was about to leave and text her that I was ill and had to leave when she came around the corner and smiled at me. That ray of sunshine cured my feelings inside and I went with her into the screen, watched the Equalizer which surprisingly she chose and I had no idea she liked those kind of movies. And then her dad picked us up, dropped me off home and my ex asked me how it went. She seemed genuinely happy about it, wanted to hear everything I had to say and then a week later this girl I had the date with told me over text that it wasn’t me, it was her and she wouldn’t mind being friends but she didn’t want to go on a second date. I felt crushed.
My first real date with girl I had met only two weeks ago and I wasn’t enough for her. I saw her kissing the face off a rich guy in our year a few days later. When she dumped me, I was watching my favourite movie at the time, the reboot of Total Recall and since that text, I haven’t seen it since. Even looking at the case of the movie evokes a mix of swelling, awful emotions and I have a hard time moving on by myself. Luckily, I still had my ex to be there for me.
But I didn’t have her for long either; at the grand old age of 16, my life slowly started to implode. Everything and everyone I had reached out to in my life began to disappear and I ended up with just my mind to spend time with, resulting in me feeling alone for the first time in my life. And now, that is a feeling I am all too familiar with three years later. It all ended when one day I saw her walking home from school ahead of me and I caught up with her, asked her if she was ‘alright’ and she looked at me, she didn’t even take her earphones out and she said to me, ‘I don’t want to see you again.’
Honestly, I could have had a heart attack there and then. I probably froze for a good three seconds and I asked her why she would say something like that, pleaded her to give me a reason but no more words came from her lips. I have never heard another word from her lips and yet she still lives at the end of my street. That day, she kept her earphones in and carried on walking, not even bothering to break her stride to stop for me. In a flurry of emotions, feeling flustered, furious and futile, I texted her when I got home asking for a reason why and one never came. She unfriended me on social media and with that, she had just walked out of my life. I couldn’t contact her, I couldn’t see her and I couldn’t confide in her. I loved her and she may have had no idea; clearly I was never enough for her. Ever since that day I can admit that some nights, tears have graced my pillow at night and with no one to be myself with anymore, I retreated into my own mind. Music, movies and video games became a staple in my life because I didn’t have her to see every other day anymore. Any confidence that I had in the past left me because whenever I overcame a bully or had to listen to my parents fight again, she was there. And ever since, no one has been fighting in my corner like her. No one has been there for me like her. She was and always will be irreplaceable to me and there is a hole in my heart because of her.
That little misunderstood blonde girl with a radiant smile that held my hand through everything changed and let go and I will never be able to accept that loss. Without a reason for her to be so fucking heartless and cold to me killed a part of me. I don’t know whether to remember my childhood memories with her as the happy times that we had together or as blind, naive times where she was a best friend to me that I loved and I had no idea as to what she thought of me. I still see her in my dreams at night among the faces that I cannot connect with anymore. I guess after what she did, she’s my first evil ex like in Scott Pilgrim vs The World. And I have two more, much more demented tales to tell all in good time about my hopeless pursuit of love. I am writing this to help a part of me get over the pain and fill a void in me.
And you may have noticed that I wrote all of this about me, about how I could confide in her and how I could hold her hand through everything. I am not a complete narcissist, there are always two sides to a story and the truth is, I have no idea how she felt. After everything I have no idea if she felt like she could confide in me, whether she felt any love for me, especially towards the end. I don’t know if it was anything to do with this guy that she was spending more time with towards the end that shared one of the conditions that she had and if she felt like she could relate to him over me. But still, to do what she did, with no explanation, she has broken me. Even when I am around my friends, I want to run away to listen to music and be alone because even when I am surrounded by people I know, even if I am talking to them for the whole night, enjoying myself, I spend more of the night in my head and feeling like something is missing. It is a feeling that for the past eight months especially at university and through two relationships I have never been able shake; it has only grabbed a tighter hold on me and I am getting worse.
Last December, I couldn’t help but lose to the feeling that I needed an answer and I messaged her. We spoke over two days and she seemed perfectly alright with me like nothing had happened. She had moved on with that guy and they are in love now. But when I asked her why she did what she did, she told me that I wasn’t there for her enough. She told me that I could never understand what she was going through and she didn’t want to hurt me by slowly pushing me away so she pushed me away completely. I doubt that that was the whole story behind it but through everything, once again I wasn’t enough for someone and they didn’t believe me when I said I would always be there as long as they were always there for me too. It turns out that neither of us knew who we had become. We had outgrown each other, but I can never forgive her for what she did to me, there is no excuse for destroying someone like that. I don’t know how to feel about not having seen her face to face for over three years now. I just have to live every day as it comes and hope that one day I don’t feel alone anymore and hope to find someone to break this curse of finding the wrong people.
Much love from your friend,