As an adolescent caught up in what’s new and having an opinion on everything, social media is unfortunately a huge part of my life. I despise social media. Don’t get me wrong it can be a great platform to keep in touch with people across the big blue marble; however, all I can see is distortion of image, obsession and a gross indulgence in materialistic qualities in life everyone takes for granted these days.
Selfies, filters, scripted content, fake news, happy couples… my jealous, narcissistic nature crawls out of me and I revolt into a horrible person with my already depressed, twisted brain. For the past few months I can barely go the hour without checking my messages to see who cares and it looks like a grand total of one person cares. I apologise to that person for not telling you that I was cutting out social media, I promise you that even though I already feel crushingly alone, I will be alright. I just need to keep on telling myself that I will be to get through each day at a time.
I awoke this morning from yet another desire-fulfillment dream which if you don’t already know, my counsellor told me that it’s when you dream, your subconscious gives you what you need and for a brief moment in time you can be happy. But then when you wake up, you lose everything. That desire is left burning in your heart and you remember how much your life sucks and you have to live the rest of the day with the feeling of what happiness felt like, even if it was never real.
For me, in these dreams I see the faces that I loved or that my heart-felt compelled to feel something for like a crush that was oblivious to what I felt on the inside. When I’m asleep my mind brings them to life…. and when I wake, reality takes them away from me. Never in my life have I been loved by someone, I have just been lied to. I have had two relationships in the past nine months that were the worst possible nightmares beyond any imagination. After feeling blind love, now that I am alone never have I felt so dark. The suffocation of loneliness plays on my mind everyday and I cannot bring myself to see those faces for real everyday on social media, nor can I bring myself to be so publicly invisible anymore. Fading away for me feels like the only way I could get noticed, even if that attention is fleeting, I will take what I can get. Whether it will better my sanity, I highly doubt it as I am damned with connection to people and I am damned when I am alone.
The night previous, I found myself among my only friends from my home town and while I can honestly say the company felt satisfying to someone like me, I could not avoid getting lost deep in the recesses of my mind again. My friends and I share quite the dark sense of humour, and I am talking pitch black humour, which most likely makes my thoughts more difficult to read, especially infused with my brutal honesty; however having gone through and still feeling the compulsion towards suicide, my mind cannot stop getting fixed on it. My friends brought up the subject of a girl we all once knew from secondary school who has and may still be experiencing strong effects of depression. Including me, every single one of us saw her as intelligent and a true sight to behold with an award-winning smile she wore with her everywhere. To hear the news of how she has been since we last saw her has truly rocked me and it sent my mind spiralling all night long into the early hours of the morning. You see all of these grand adventures and faces, surrounded by more happy faces and what you do not see is what is underneath the mask everyone wears every day.
Knowing that I feel the same way as this girl and yet knowing nothing of it, she herself has worn a mask on her social media and in her life and it kills me. The 21st century has led to everyone living more than one life, hiding so much from each other and I cannot see the honesty in people anymore. I already feel paranoia about everyone I meet, anxiety about getting through every day and trust issues, I should not have to navigate my twisted life and be lied to by something so sinister as what I see on social media that my friends are supposed to be expressing themselves on too. All I feel is the jealousy from their ability to wear masks, the paranoia as to whether their joy is indeed real or not and the uncertainty of what is going on behind the scenes.
On my social media, you won’t find many updates or statuses and that is probably because my life is as dull as ditchwater and ultimately, depressing. I don’t need to share that with the people that I know because if they truly knew me and took an interest in my life once in a while, they would know about how I feel and how haunted I am. The little that is on my social media expresses that I don’t smile very often, I don’t open up very often either and when I do, it sounds narcissistic. I have a post on their that is many, many paragraphs long and that was written the day before I planned to drown myself but I never did attempt it. I do not wish to remove that as I want people to know that I have my good days and my bad days and that people should not mess me around, I do not need anymore drama in my life. If you do not wish to speak to me anymore or you wish to avoid me then that is great because then I don’t have to spend my life guessing whether you really like me or whether you just put up with me.
Try living without social media for 24 hours; I apologise if you held a more positive view on social media before reading this but I had to say something out loud. You should know by now that as a human being, we should not suffer in silence. Be honest with people, especially the people that make the effort to talk to you and respond, those people for me especially are few and far between.
Much love from your friend,