Hello reader, you can call me Alex or Alexander. I don’t mind which one you use, as long as you are comfortable and then we can begin.
This is my very first blog and I can’t lie, I’m already feeling some anxiety… perhaps even a little regret in the fear of making this blog my future. My stomach tightens up into a wrenching ball and I find it difficult to form words with a lack of air reaching my lips; instead the air fills my lungs for long, deep breaths and in my head I’m pretty relaxed and I am telling myself that I will be fine, so maybe my stomach is seeing the danger that my head cannot. I hate feeling this anxiety and it is not as bad as it used to be, but now and then it comes back with a punch.
In the past six months, I have come to admit and be labelled as having depression, and while feeling anxiety or something restraining me my whole life, I was never this bad. The social taboo of thinking life is this bad as a teenager makes me sound irrational and naive and you are probably already drawing up stereotypes. I am told that ‘I have a long life ahead of me where things will get better, that I should just give everything time.‘ But at this young age, I cannot see a happier life and nor can I see a reason for my life to improve; after all there are over 7 billion other people on this big blue marble. I don’t feel important enough to warrant a sudden change in luck.
After surviving what will hopefully be the worst moments of my life, I thought I would burden the internet with my thoughts rather than a friend. Your friends need their own lives and I want to be a fun friend that they can enjoy being around rather than an engine run on pure misery, churning out suffocating smoke on everyone around me. I don’t want to be the voice in their life that they dread hearing as they know they then have to take the time out of their busy schedules to be a shoulder to cry on. I want everyone to know that I want to get better…
I am going to start getting better one word at a time with this blog.
You may have noticed that I have made bold certain words, but this is just an idea of what words my brain picks out of what I have written and to give you an insight as to what I am thinking about at this moment in time.
Hopefully, while I am active on this blog I will find a path to follow to find my own fairytale ending with a sunset and a hand to hold. Even when I find that ending, don’t worry, the story never truly ends there, I’ll always be here.
Thank you for reading this,
Your friend, Alex.