Four months have passed since I last spoke to you. I know now life will never get easier, and nor should it. If everything was easy, then life would be boring and you wouldn’t have any stories to tell at the end of it. In this time apart, I have gotten myself into another ‘unconventional’ relationship, almost lost someone close to me for good and faced my second teaching placement at my university.
In January, a close friend of mine split up with her long-term boyfriend. In the early hours of the night, she asked to see me and I was there for her. I did what I could to make her feel better, I thought that I had helped. It would have been better if she stayed at my place for the night although she insisted on seeing a few other friends for support. So she thanked me and left. I heard nothing from her after she left.
I woke up the next day to several missed calls; the girl, one of my closest friends that I had known for over a year now at university and helped me with my depression, she attempted to overdose on various prescribed drugs in her bathroom as the sun was coming up that morning.
One of her flat mates heard something fall in her bathroom and checked to see if she was okay; he could hear nothing from her so he went into her room and found her. He looked after her and got her to the nearby hospital. She survived and is on a road to recovery now. Like me, it’s an experience she will never forgot. I hope with the highest of hopes that she can find a way to be happy and never go back to that. I have been through depression myself and it is something that never leaves you. I have been in a relationship with a girl who had severe depression and now I have almost lost one of my closest friends to it. Life can be cruel.
At first, I was furious with her. I had no sympathy. I had been suicidal for a long time and I was envious of all of the support that she got from her friends and all of the things that she had. I did my best to help her, she knew all about my mental health too and yet she still went through with the attempt. It made me feel powerless too, like I couldn’t really help anyone. After having been through it myself, one good thing to come out of it I thought was that I could help others. And then that positive feeling left me. Immediately after the attempt, her parents came to take home. She texted for a week or two before completely disappearing. It had been three months since I last had any contact with her up until about a week ago. She seems to have come a long way in three months away from everyone and the internet. She’s not coming back to university and I have no idea whether I will see her again. She was a friend I needed in my life as we supported each other, although after everything that happened, perhaps it’s better that she has moved on now, unfortunately that means I have had no one for months to tell my thoughts and feelings. Coming out of depression, that’s what I really need.
From February to March, I faced one hell of an anxiety-inducing challenge. With no support other than the comfort of knowing there’s about fifty other people like me bout to take a huge step forward: it was time for placement two.
While I passed my first placement last semester, my university placed me in the wrong class and had to move me half way through. On top of the severe depression I had at the time, this created a myriad of problems. Life goes on though and I fought through and passed it. With placement two, I had another fight on my hands. I had a long travel and incredibly early starts every day taking a taxi to the placement. One of the trainees I was placed with accepted and then rejected a date with me back in October and the class I had to teach were extremely challenging. After being drained for eight weeks and having no one to turn to, somehow I was the one again that I had to rely on; as sad as it is, I had myself to support me. I still do. I have tried to find people to open up to, I have made a few more friends but it is not the same as what I had with her. And once again, these new friends cannot be there for me much as they have their own lives.
The day before Valentine’s, a girl messaged me on a dating app. She is the girl of my dreams and over two months now we have gotten as close as you could possibly get through texting. We have both expressed how much we want to see each other and when it comes to making a plan, she suddenly finds a way of pushing back the date. It has been two months and it just hurts. Whether she is being genuine about how busy she is or there’s a hidden excuse, I just do not know what to think; she won’t even take a phone call from me. Before you say anything she is 100% a real person, just a seemingly very busy person.
Unfortunately, I find her difficult to trust too. It has really tested my mind and the progress I have made on my depression by avoiding any paranoid thoughts, especially since her confession a month into talking to her when she kissed her male best friend. Long story short he’s got a girlfriend in another country and she can’t trust him now and she apparently has feelings for me. I was willing to look past it since I haven’t even met her yet. And now, for two weeks, she has disappeared. I have heard nothing from her. Unaware of whether she blocked me or has lost her phone or had it taken by her parents (parents still do that??), I am completely in the dark and it is eating me alive. I do not want to move on and look for a new partner if something has happened to her phone, I need to have a clear conscience. On the other hand, all I ever have done is wait for this girl and I feel like that is all it will ever be; another angel, fallen to deceive me. My relationship history is beyond a joke now.
So with these huge challenges and tiny, niggling, little ones in-between, I struggle on but stay strong. I will find a way, there is always a way.
Much love from your friend,